Good morning from OYIT [Ingrid edition]

By Ingrid

Good morning! If you are wondering why I am here, it’s because the white male creators of OYIT were recently handed an affirmative action suit that threatened to shut them down if they didn’t allow more women and minorities into their elite Good Ol’ Boys club. Glenn asked me to swoop in and save the day with my minority status. All I had to do is be a woman (which I am) and know how to form a sentence (which I used to, back in college – I’m looking over my notes now).

Another reason the affirmative action folks would like having me write this article is that my dad has dark skin and, although he is not technically a minority, many people yelled at him after Sept. 11, 2001 because they thought he was a Middle Eastern terrorist. My dad and I have endured significant oppression in our lifetimes, so I really do deserve to be here.

Being a woman has so many perks! Glenn told me that since I am a female my article would automatically be 66% more popular than the articles of OYIT’s well-established male writers. These are pretty good odds: when I go to a party, there is only a 4 to 7% chance that I will be more popular than the other people in the room (4% if I am mopey drunk, 7% if I am happy drunk). Plus, I needed the money, and Glenn promised me that writing a Good Morning article is very lucrative.


Today’s Weather

At first I thought that it was sort of weird that I have to tell you about today’s weather when you are all obviously capable Internet users who could easily check weather.com or some similar site if you wanted to know the forecast. But then I looked at the archive of Good Morning articles and realized that most of the weather maps were not real weather maps but hilarious jokes! Here is my joke:

Today will be Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs!


This is sort of yesterday’s news (although, to be fair, I started writing this article yesterday, when it seemed more relevant), but how about this crazy Midwest weather, huh? One day it is sleeting on me as I miserably ride my bicycle home from work; the next day I am walking around in nothing but a tank top and the sequined short shorts that are normally reserved for hot July afternoons or dancing at gay bars.

The cruel thing about this crazy weather situation is that I develop my usual debilitating spring allergies right on schedule, even though the temperatures are in the 30s and a wintry mix is falling from the sky. Why would a Loving God allow us to have allergies and winter weather at the same time? [Fortunately, this is a primarily secular site and I don’t have to try to answer that. It is a question that you should probably discuss with your parents or pastor if you’re really curious.] In a just universe, you would only have one or the other: allergies and beautiful weather OR winter weather and the ability to breathe through your nostrils. Having allergies while it’s sleeting outside is similar to having both pimples like a teenager and wrinkles like an old person, which is another oxymoronic problem that I have.

Today’s Overpriced Product

Today’s Overpriced Product is MUSCLE MILK, an item that we sell at the cafeteria where I work. People bring it up to the register along with their double bacon cheeseburgers and onions rings, and then practically have a heart attack when I tell them it is $3.99. (I’m not sure if they practically have a heart attack because the price is so shocking or because they eat double bacon cheeseburgers every day for lunch.) I explain to them that it is so expensive because it is not plain old milk but MUSCLE MILK. “Muscle” is one of those words that can mean many different things depending on the context, and in this particular case, “muscle” means “super expensive.” After I explain the price, the customers usually go exchange the MUSCLE MILK for a plain skim milk, which only costs 50 cents, but they still give me a dirty look and say nothing when I tell them that I hope they have a nice day. As if it is my fault that some disgusting protein drink is overpriced!

Today’s Disease du Jour

Tuberculosis! I had to get one of those TB tests where they inject a little bit of the disease into your forearm and see what happens. If you die, you had TB. If you live, you are a witch, but a healthy witch who is not infected with TB. Now the injection site on my arm has swollen to the size of a plum, and I am pretty sure this is not good.

Something you might not know about me is that my great grandfather was a concert violinist who died from TB. Before he died, they had to quarantine him in a little shack behind his house so he wouldn’t infect my great grandmother and their children. He just sat there in his little shack all alone, coughing and playing his violin.

So dying from TB runs in my family. This is the first and last article that I will write for OYIT before the inevitable happens.

Goodbye, and have a nice day!