One Week Entertainment [3-7-09]

By Kaleena

There she goes again. Another week, more entertainment - one thing we can always count on in times of economic or natural crisis. Onward soldiers!

• Sarah Silverman will return for another season thanks to MTV's sister service 'Logo,' which is aimed at the gay, lesbian and transgender community. Thank you all!
  
  
• People.com asks 'Could Chris Brown end up in jail?' God I hope so and Rihanna can go right along with him if she so desires.
  
  
• Only two more years before the final 'Harry Potter' movie. Just in time I'd say. Daniel Radcliff should just be entering his drug-experimental phase by that point.
  
  
• Apparently Michelle Obama's toned arms are all the rage. Leave it to the Obama's to inspire in all aspects. I start adding 50 squat-thrusts to my workout tomorrow (that's a lie).
  
  
• Siegfried and Roy have supposedly performed for their last time. The final performance included the 600 lb. tiger that mauled Roy a few years back. He says the tiger was 'just trying to help' after noticing he'd had a stroke onstage. How thoughtful of that flesh-eating, instinctual animal.
  
  
• What makes Hillary Duff scream? Hockey. I know, I was hoping for something a bit dirty myself.
  
  
• Ed McMahon was hospitalized with pneumonia. Hold on Ed!!
  
  
• Rachel Ray defends her Dunkin' Donuts promos and racy FHM photos. I used to think she was obnoxious - now I find her endearing and badass.
  
  
• Britney (Spears) is going back on tour! Good luck doll-face!
  
  
• The jury is being picked for the once-upon-a-time winner of 'Dancing With the Stars' winner Helio Castroneves. He is accused of tax evasion. What the hell? You know these bastards have the money, unless they've spent it all on coke or crack or something else equally predictable. It's cheaper to just pay them in the end and avoid the emotionally-crushing jail rape.
  
  
• This is kind of back-tracking, but Rihanna's relatives are pretty unhappy about her reuniting with Chris Brown. My guess: she really loves Tina Turner.
  
  
• Miley Cyrus already has an autobiography coming out. Start taking Xanax now, Billy Ray.
  
  
• Brad Pitt is to meet with Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi regarding his and Angelina Jolie's New Orlean's housing project 'Make it Right.' Next up - sainthood.
  
  
• Belinda Carlisle is on 'Dancing with the Stars' and she's still gorgeous!
  
  
• The Jonas Brothers and Kelly Rowland visited ailing children in hospitals (separately). Next up - sainthood.
  
  
• Barbara Bush is recovering from open-heart surgery at the ripe-old age of 130.
  
  
• Michael Jackson is suing to stop the sale of his personal items. Know what? F YOU MJ! Should have thought about the future when you screwed the Beatles out of their songs you dick!
  
  
• Young actor Robert Knox, who plays Marcus Belby for the next 'Harry Potter' movie, was fatally stabbed by some 22 year old wacko outside of a British bar. I hope the bastard fries or hangs or whatever they do to murderers in Britain.
  
  
• Rapper and bad-ass Eminem supposedly has two albums set for release this year. We'll see Marshall, we'll see.
  
  
• Robin Williams is to undergo heart surgery. Moral of this story - don't do coke EVER!
  
  
• Finally - Chris Brown is charged with assault and making criminal threats against Rihanna.
  
  What a week - phew! I'm tuckered out from all this great and amazing news. I hope you all had and have an excellent week yourselves and I'll "see" you next time in the next episode. Thanks for reading (if you did, in fact).