Mailbag Vol. 2 Issue 4

By Glenn and Jake



Today's Mailbag raises many important questions. We have our first question from the Indian subcontinent and someone question's Mikey's integrity. Two people take the time out of their busy lives to tell us how awful our website is, but one person with an even busier lives tells us what a great job we're doing! Finally, we discuss ecstasy as a form of birth control. Read on.

hello i cannot tell if this is the right email address sent to i am looking for my high school classmate ravjan from texas. is this is the right one for you to read? hello ravjan this is mohammad i am going to be in texas soon and if we could go to your house that would be fantastic.

mohammad

This is one of the many emails we get for Ravjan. We often don't post them since they are not meant for us, but this one is trying to pass a real, timely message off to RJ. Mohammad, you might have the most common name in the world, but you have something that isn't very common: heart. If we had half the heart that you have, we would all track down our own Ravjan's, the ones from high school, not the ones from college. I hope this helps you reconnect with your old high school classmate, Mohammad.

Dear OYIT,

I was reading your site after finding it while searching for "au jus sauce" and "Arby's". Did you guys get paid for mentioning Arby's? Who is Mikey, anyway? Is he just a shill for meat products or something?

-Jenny

It's nice to see a woman writing in to the mailbag instead of Hi Katy. Mikey is no more a shrill for meat products than Maddie is for R. Kelly. I'm personally a vegetarian but if I ate meat, I'm sure I would love Arby's. We have a policy at OYIT where our writers are allowed to advertise for a product or company as much as possible if it helps them make money. But as far as we know, the only thing Mikey has been getting in return for talking up Arby's is the satisfaction of knowing more people are eating roast beef sandwiches from there.

Greetings OYIT owners. I'm a long time reader and first time writer (hard to believe huh?). I think you guys are doing a great job but I figured I'd take advantage of your mailbag feature by writing in with two comments and one question, in the order I thought of them. Ready? Here we go:
1. I think you guys are doing a great job. (I couldn't decide whether to use this one because earlier in the email I told you that you were doing a great job, but some jobs are so great that you can acknowledge that twice.)
2. Why are there less articles on the site now?
3. I think your site was better when there were more articles.
4. Who is Gary?
These are my four questions for now. If I think of more comments I will email them to you at this address.

Tom A.

1.) Thank you, Tom, we're trying our best.

2.) The number of articles is dependent on people posting them. I write at least 5 articles a week. Glenn has been too busy trying to solve a Rubik's Cube to write an article that isn't co-authored (he's never going to solve it). Katy has been trying to get the world record in Pac-Man, but she doesn't eat the ghosts fast enough. Kaleena has been working diligently on getting employee of the month again. Nate is too busy critiquing Good Morning posts and weather maps in general. Heather Joy has been forced into hiding, but I've been asked to not elaborate, sorry. Gary went on a fishing trip last week. Maddie listened to R. Kelly's discography inspiring her to write an article on "Ignition (Remix)." Scott is performing a musical about Bobby Fischer's Antisemitism, not his chess prowess. Beth's computer went up in flames, like many of our dreams when we got addicted to crack in the 80s. Bub is in Australia. Mikey has a hard enough time writing his own article, let alone extra ones. I don't know what happened to Brad. If you do email me.

3.) Hopefully there will be more content soon, Tom.

4.) Gary is a magician from Sioux City, Iowa.

Hi losers, you're site is really funny. Funny like getting hit by a drunk driver while on your way to get chemotherapy. It's not funny, is what I'm saying. Is it supposed to be funny? If it is then you guys are really striking out. You should make more articles about farts and farting.

-Paul

Dear Paul,

Much like the apostle who was your namesake, I hate you. This was a very mean letter to send us when you know full well that Bub and Bryan, two of our good friends, recently died in car crashes halfway across the world from each other. They were both on their way to chemotherapy, but never made it there. In their memory, and to spite you, we will not mention farting any more on the site. I just farted, which I should mention as the final chapter for flatulence on OYIT.

I recently stepped on a nail at a construction site and while flailing around in pain was bitten by a dog that had rabies. When I was in the emergency room getting my 15th shot I thought to myself "at least the pain of getting 20+ injections isn't as bad as the pain of reading your shit website." Sorry to be so flowery with this diss but I got sick of sending you email just saying "YOU SUCK" with 30 exclamation points - and you never printed them anyway. The exclamation points I mean. Please print this letter to prove how scared of me you are.

Oh, yeah-- we're real scared motherfucker. I have an aluminum baseball bat with your name written on it. If I see you in the park or roller rink I'm gonna knock you into next Thursday. If you think our site is "total shit" then don't read it. You can take your flowery diss and put it in water, just like I'm going to do to you when I drown you. Regardless, we appreciate the comment and we'll do our best to make our site not "total shit." We soon will have inspirational posters, 300 references and the site will be renamed to All Year Texas Belong to Us. If that's what the people want, we might as well give it to them.

hi,

i need some advice. i met a young woman at a dance club, but i think she may have been on drugs. she was really sweaty. anyway, her and i went home together and made love while listening to techno hits. we didn't use a condom so now i'm worried about having a baby and having aids. my question is what do you think is worse: babies or aids?

-Ty

Hi Ty,

This is probably a better question for our resident advice columnist Katy than us here at mailbag, but I'm not going to judge you for that. I will judge you, however, for having unprotected sex. What were you thinking? We've all done it, but you don't even have the excuse of being on drugs. She does! Fortunately women can't get pregnant while on ecstasy because it prevents ovulation at the same time it prevents serotonin reuptake. Since AIDS has a cure and babies don't (besides abortion, which stops a beating heart), babies are worse. But you won't have one. You might have AIDS but you won't know until you call her and ask her if she gave it to you. If she says no, then I wouldn't worry about it.