Hi Katy - Issue VIII

By Katy



Did you miss me? I'm late. Not having ready access to the Internet/not stealing Internet from my neighbor is ruining my life, and yours, because I was unable to post Hi Katy on Monday. But it's going up now so you have no more reasons to cry, children. Have fun.

Hi Katy-
I recently ran into an old friend at JC Penney's. I was really happy to see her at first, but then I remembered why I hadn't for such a long time; she stole my best friend's boyfriend several years ago. We are scheduled to "do lunch" and what I'd like to know is if going to lunch would be betraying my friend.
-Lunch Crunch

Hi Crunch-
I don't know why you'd make a lunch date in the first place; like running into someone at Penney's isn't bad enough. Especially someone you don't talk to anymore. Imagine how awkward going to lunch will be! People stop being friends for a reason. We should get over this stupid desire to find nostalgia and quick reprises of our past in everything.

But, if you must, then fine. You need to first find out if this ex-friend is still with the boy in question. If yes, call off lunch, call her a back-stabbing bitch, continue with life. If no, you're in luck! Article 2.14.5.82-HD7 of Girl Code states:

Any back-stabbing bitch that steals the boyfriend of a friend or friend of a friend, or sister's friend, or friend's sister, or mother's sister's friend shall be shunned indefinitely 'til such a time, should such a time come, when said relationship ends and said back-stabbing bitch claims infinite remorse in committing said bitchy crime. She shall then be forgiven--but watched.

If you got all that, you're in the clear.

Hi Katy-
I am vibrant 35-year-old man who works out pretty regularly, is a great father and proud coach of our country's winning little soccer league. However, it can't all be highs, or can it? I have high cholesterol. My family is very worried about me and they say I should change my diet, but I am pretty convinced that's not the problem. My mom had high cholesterol as did most of her family so I'm pretty sure it's just hereditary and my diet's really not the solution. Sure, I eat butter and red meat. I really love cheese and all things related, including cheesecake. I have my cake, eat it and then some, but so what? I've asked my doctor and he seems to think I'm in the right (thank god for free clinics). What do you think? Butter or no butter? Red meat or chicken? I would be willing to try if it would really help but I'm just not convinced.
I appreciate your opinion
Sincerely
-Risky Business

Hi Risky-
Okay, check this out: "My mom had high cholesterol..." This implies to me that your mother is now dead, and because you're only 35, she probably died pretty young. Correlation? "...I'm pretty sure it's just hereditary..." Ya think? What does that freaking matter? Where it came from really isn't the concern at this point. The concern is what you're doing to keep it all under control.

Far be it for me to tell you how to live your life. I mean, I'm going to anyway...just sayin'. Your diet makes me want to vomit. In fact, I could feel my arteries clogging and my heart failing to beat regularly every sentence I continued reading. Grow up, dude. You have kids and maybe a wife to worry about. They need the man of the house around in order to survive. You're the bread winner! I'm sure your wife cooks a mean chicken pot pie, but you can't support a family and have a vagina. You should really consider the seriousness of this matter before continuing to risk your health solely for indulgence's sake.

Hi Katy-
My name is T----. I am 9. My parents say I am have too much energy so the doctor gave them these pills to give me to calm me down. I don't like taking pills. At school, they tell us not to take drugs so why does the doctor get to give them to us? An older kid told me I could get money for them so I am going to start selling them to older kids. I don't know if I should do it. Also, can I go to jail? I am only 9, remember.
Thank you for your answer.
Thank you.
-Prepubescent Pill Popper

Hi Popper-
First, let me say, you almost write kind of well. Let's keep working on that. Next--you do not need those drugs. You're 9. Everybody and their infant sisters are taking pills these days to "chill them out." I didn't like pills at your age either. You have years ahead of you to get over that. For now, be a kid!

That older kid? He's absolutely right. You can make money off those pills. By high school you'll have enough to support the illegitimate baby you'll no doubt have. It's a great plan for the future!

Here's what I suggest. Don't be the central dealer; meaning, working out a plan with this old older kid so he becomes your lackey. Have him sell the pills and give him a cut of the profits.

Pros:

hopefully he's in middle school or old enough to have sufficient access to that age group--that's your key demographic.

he takes the legal fall, you stay relatively unconnected.

it was his idea and you're 9. You don't know better.

he's of age to hit juvie, you get off no questions asked.

you can rip him off his share--he'll be too high to notice.

Cons:

none

Good luck, have fun, and study up on sentence structure.

Hi Katy-
So, I'm in math class and I just had a few questions to ask you. First, what is the square root of 75.5583? Okay, now if you have 3 apples and you take away 2, then multiply by 12, what's the square root of that? And...oh wait .............. ........................................................................Okay, and finally, who's hottest rob pattinson or rose mcgowan? Also, is it bad to shroom before a math test? Not that I'm taking a test. Those questions are totally off the top of my head. I'm just testing you, but if you could reply, like, ASAP--my blackberry's about to die.
Thanks,
-Totally Trippin'

Hi Trippin'-
Why would a math test ask for the square root of 75.5583? Your teacher is a giant bitch. I'd shroom before class, too. That's not true. Education is very important and you should take it very seriously. The school systems are fairly terrible and it's basically up to you to move your education along. Drop the smack and get to work! There's plenty of time for doing drugs when you have a worthless degree and no aspirations.

As for your Rob Pattinson/Rose McGowan question--that's just cruel. Like I don't have eneough issues and lifetime traumas created by Twilight. Even without the bias, Rose McGowan takes this one, hands down. HANDS DOWN HER PANTIES. Seriously, check this chick out:


For real. Can you say 12 ways to Sunday? I always preferred the Jawbreaker Rose compared to stupid Charmed Rose, but in clear thinking... Rose any way makes for a nice day. Am I right or am I right or am I right?

The other questions is a trick question. You can't square root apples--but you can eat them. So, 12.

Hi Katy-
I recently played a game of Risk, the game of world domination. I fared very poorly and was wondering if you had any secret tips or a solid strategy? I really need some help!
-Risky Business

Hi Risky-
Is this cholesterol guy again? You better be enjoying some fruit while you're playing these board games. Whatevs. I can't really help you. I haven't played Risk in five-plus years and even then I was pretty awful. If I remember correctly, it's just like anything else--take Russia and Iceland and it's all in the bag.

Also, when I was growing up in a very board game-centered family environment, my mom always said "red will always win." It was true! My mom was red in Sorry, Candyland, Bonkers, Clue; she kicked our asses at the lot of them! It may have been because she was an adult and we but children--but most of those games are pure luck so I have to side with Ma on this one.

So, my tips are go red and take Russia. Common sense stuff, really.

Hi Katy-
I'm an up and comer in the world of writing plays. What seems to be really big right now is musicals based on feature films. My question is what feature film would you like to see be made into an immensely popular stage play?
-Movie 2 Musical

Hi Musical-
OMG. I love musicals. I love them so much that a lot of feature films I love are already musicals. That makes it far too easy to turn into a stage musical--so I'm going to have to think on this.

I think the first obvious choice would be Once Bitten. Once Bitten would be a heart-wrenching, action-packed, laugh-fest of gargantuan proportions. It's old enough that you have a brand new generation to introduce this tale to! Better yet--this new generation of unimaginative whores love vampires, hate virgins, and always go for a pair of nerdy cut ups. Jonah Hill and Michael Cera are the obvious choices for the tag along friends. I hear kids today heart them. Hopefully they have some Broadway background. I leave the rest of the casting up to you, friend.

Next: Caddyshack. Perfect for the stage! You have limited scene changes, the most boringly colorful characters anywhere, and a dancing goffer. It was written for the stage!

MST3k: The Movie: The Musical. No, scratch that. That movie was horrible at best. MST3K: Satan's Touch: The Musical. That or Killer Bees. Actually, just make 200 MST3K musicals. All you need is a screen, one row of theatre chairs, one man, and two lovable robots singing their insults at the screen.

Men In Black. Every movie Will Smith is in should be a musical anyway... but I Am Legend would get pretty boring. With MIB you have an entire chorus line created out of extra terrestrials. An epic score plus some heartfelt arias and you've got Broadway office gold.

Finally, and possibly the most important... Cool Runnings: The Musical. If only John Candy could jiggle his tub-o-fun around that stage, you would have your money made for you. In fact, since Caddyshack is already mentioned, I suggest turning all of John Candy's movies into musicals; Canadian Bacon, Uncle Buck, Spaceballs, Great Outdoors, Planes, Trains and Automobiles: The Musicals.

Send me some tickets and a check for my borrowed genius.