Hi Katy - Issue 6

By Katy



Welcome kiddies! I have a special treat for you this time around! Not
only do I have seven questions to answer, but two of them are asking
for my flat out opinion, advice-less. Now, I know it's a little
ridiculous to just add an opinion to an advice column, but I decided
it would be a swell way for you all to get to know a little bit about
the real Hi Katy. Yaaay!

Hi Katy,

I live near the Golden Gate Bridge, the place where people commonly
commit suicide. I get the creeps from it, and sometimes I feel a
strange ghastly presence in my apartment. Do you think that I may have
ghosts or am I just being paranoid? Maybe it was something I ate?

-Ghosten Gate Bridge

Hi Golden,

I'm surely not aware of your diet details, but I can tell you ghosts
are real and everywhere. You're right to worry about the
concentration of ghosts in your area. Golden Gate Bridge isn't just a
common suicide location (I did some research), it boasts the number
one suicide locale in the US, if not the top in the world. More than 1,200 have offed themselves there, with only 26 survivors
- and that's from 2005! Wikipedia offered a comparison stat for
this, with the second place locale going to Aokigahara Forest in Japan
with a whopping 76. WOW! Just one more thing America has to be proud. I'm almost convinced to jump off it.

Anyway, as I said before, I do truly believe in ghosts, but more
importantly I believe in good and bad spirits. I think it
appropriate to contact your friend (friends?) and try to get to know
them a bit, learn about their lives and afterlives. I had a most
pleasant visit to San Fransisco in 2003 and spent one entire evening
shootin' the shit with Weldon Kees (and if you read his poetry, you'd
jump off the GGB, too). I feel everyone should love each other and get
along. Maybe it will change your life! Maybe you'll be the next Mark
Ruffalo and save your own Reese. If it doesn't work out, well, that's
another problem for another issue.

Hi Katy,

I'm a minor league baseball player. I am having trouble hitting home
runs and am getting very worried about being cut. Should I cork my bat or
just take performance enhancing drugs? I am a bit worried about drugs,
but corking a bat would be pretty easy. I have a cork screw and I save
all of my bottles of wine (with cork intact, of course). Please help
me, Katy, you're the only one I can turn to.

-Hopelessly Home Run Free

HI Hopeless,
Improve your skills and become better. Hahaha. I'm just joshing of
course. I've found it's better for my readers if I don't set the bar
too high.

I agree with what you said about drug use. I would normally be
completely on board with some 'roids, but they're a pretty touchy
subject these days so it's best to wait for all the suspicion to die
down.

Corking a bat, however...CLASSIC! I love to see reuse of poorly
executed ideas almost as much as innovation. I think it's used so
rarely anymore that no one will see this coming (unless the bat breaks
and it's coming straight for their faces! Hey-OH!) My only qualms with
this plan are the wine corks. It's great that you want to find a
secondary use for your alcoholism, but perhaps you're better off
making a bulletin board or a hot dish trivet. Sawdust, baby, that's
where it's at. It's more compact and glue will adhere to it much more
efficiently. When you move up to he big leagues I expect a 10% cut.

Hi Katy,

I am a virgin and am 20-years-old. My other girlfriends make fun of me
because my hymen remains intact, but those bitches are all sluts. I
don't wan tto be like them, but I don't want to be a virgin forever.
How should I choose a suitable male to pick my precious cherry. I
don't want to any crumb bum, but I don't know if I'm going to find a
Greg to my Dharma.

-Reluctantly Givin' It Up

Hi Reluctant,

Contrary to everyone's beliefs, being a virgin is pretty sweet (if I
remember correctly). The main thing is to not make it about that first
perfect moment, otherwise you'll crush your soul with disappointment.
I'm not saying sex isn't enjoyable, but I am saying sometimes it's
not. You don't want to have waited all this time to have the ultimate
that's it? moment that will turn you off of sex forever. At
best it'll probably be "okay," love or no.

As far as finding the appropriate mate to give it to the first time,
you could... I don't know... date? I mean, you never said you don't
date. If you're having some trouble meeting guys, there are now a
plethora of dating sites and sex partner sites. There are sites for
everything. Set up a profile, upload a few saucy pics and
don't be afraid to mention you're a virgin. Some guys like that!

No one should want a Greg, or a Dharma for that matter. They're not
charming, they're a divorce waiting to happen. Besides, who wants to
lose it to a boring stick-in-the-mud? That's what she said! Gross.
If I were you, I'd say find the Adolf to your Eva. What's more
romantic than ending your lives somewhat about the same time and
kinda near each other? Also, get some new friends. Hanging around
whorebags will only get you syphilis--and that shit is not
cool. Try to have fun, good luck, and remember to make him suit up!

Hi Katy,

I've been under a lot of stress lately. I came home last Wednesday,
only to find that my boyfriend had moved out on me. We were having a
lot of problems, but I didn't think they were that severe. He left a
note saying that I loved him more than he loved me. I don't get that.
Why does that matter? Is love a competition where one person has to
bow out if their love isn't equal? Please help me understand.

-Love Confusion

Hi Love,

Haha, looove. Uhhh, seriously though. This is a good question. I'm
going to really give myself over here and lay it all out on the line.
I am totally that person, the you love me more than I love you
person. I am not particularly proud of that, but it does give me an
insight to this specific perspective.

He was trying to let you down easy, but I guess you want to hurt
yourself further. Of course there's not a love-o-meter to properly
gauge such a feeling, but there are several other involved reasons for
using this classic cop-out, which I'll summarize:

1) He doesn't love you-- he may have said it, but realized it wasn't
true.

2) He loves you as a friend-- maybe he discovered it wasn't true.

3) He's afraid of commitment-- cliche, but cliche for a reason.

4) He does love you, but feels he's undeserving of that strong sentiment in
return--it's called low/non-exsistent self-esteem.

5) He's just your run of the mill troughbag.

*DREAM CRUSHER ALERT*:
There is no one-and-only out there, but there still could be the one. Find someone deserving of your love that can show that level in return, the way it should be. Keep your chin up and keep on truckin'!

Hi Katy,

There's this girl in my high school that I really like. She's more
popular than I am and I don't think she could ever be attracted to me.
I would like to ask her out, but I don't know if I have the nerves for
it. I'm afraid of the rejection, of course. Do you think my fears are
well founded or am I just being unreasonably afraid?

-Unpopular High Schooler

Hi Unpopular,

Sigh, right? High School is tough. Not just tough, but extremely
important and life-altering, unless you're of the 20% that make it out
without a baby.

Now it's hard to lay out a specific approach. On one hand, she could
reject you and you would spend the remainder of our high school
years--or your LIFE--in humiliation. Or, she could reject you and be
really cool and considerate. OR, she could say yes which would
be, I assume, the preferred outcome. Though, she could be saying yes
because she feels sorry for you and then she'd come in a limo to pick
you up from prom and instead pelt you with eggs. Ick.

Okay, I've got it! You need to become "the bad boy." (Also, for kicks
we're going to pretend you're a boy, it'll just flow better with my
examples. If you're a girl, well, no one comes out 'til after high
school anyway so give it time). What high schooler, especially high
school girl, can resist the wiles of the bad kid? Ten Things I
Hate About You, Crybaby, The Breakfast Club, Star Wars, Cruel
Intentions, Kids, Heathers, Dirty Dancing, Grease...all these
movies serve to prove a gal loves her some malevolence. (Note: Please
do not use Kids as an appropriate way to be a bad boy, or she
won't like you for long).

Just get yourself a whole new persona-- blow off a couple of classes,
pierce your own ear, and act like shit don't matter to you. Give it a
few months and that girl will be followin' you around BEGGIN' for a
date, but don't give in yet! Call her a bitch or something; at least
pretend you have something better to do than speak in monosyllabic to
this chick. After another couple months show up unannounced to a
party, get drunk and totally do her. Now you can start slowly opening
up and she'll find out you're misunderstood and sensitive and it's in
the bag! Awesome.

Hi Katy,

Every great artist has their influences. Now, since you're such a
great "artist" when it comes to giving advice, I'd like to know who
our influences are. Are you a "Dear Abby" kinda gal or do you steer
more towards "SavageLove"?

-Curious in Cairo

Hi Curious,

I'm flattered that you would even ask. It seems not enough of my
readers take an interest in my life. It's all me, me, me. Wah,
wah, wah. Help, help, help. Your question is a breath of fresh air!

I did spend a lot of time reading "Dear Abby" in my younger years,
enjoying Abby give it to them while still remaining polite and
professional. Then one day I learned Abby wasn't even writing this
column, but 'twas her lame ass daughter. I was crushed. I hate being
lied to. When I write long-winded e-mails to my father, I want him to
respond, not his son, or else I would have e-mailed my brother. Ya know
what I mean? I guess what I'm saying is STOP FORWARDING MY E-MAILS,
DAD!

Dan Savage I liked at one time but he always tried to be so cute and
sarcastic and I take my job quite seriously. Pheobe Haliwell--Alyssa
Milano's character--was definitely a big influence. Once Pheobe got
that advice columnist job her love life got all saucy and stuff,
that's something I wanted. I try to model myself after her a lot. Dr
Ruth, of course, who showed us talking about sex can be fun and
boringly technical all at the same time. My biggest and most obvious
influence would have to be The Big Guy in the Sky. People are always
bothering God with these long, stupid questions and he's always there
to answer and respond and keep this world churning. I don't want to
compare myself to God, but as He will never forsake you, nor shall I.

Hi Katy,

Which is worse? A Total Recall remake or a remake of The
Neverending Story? Both of which are in the works now.

-Neverending Recall

Hi Neverending,

I couldn't believe it when I heard that news today. In fact, I looked
both up online to confirm these outrageous allegations, and then my
soul died along with the music.

Clearly, The Neverending Story remake is the absolute worst
thing Warner Brothers can do: worse than 1997's Batman & Robin.
Hasn't enough of our childhoods been slashed and berated by big film
companies running out of ideas!?

I can remember when I was but three or four and accompanied by my
sister to a birthday party. The first thing I saw was Atreyu gutting
the terrifying G'Mork and to this day I still shy away from 500 pound
dogs...this movie has saved my life! Daniel Carlson stated this love
most (yeah, even better than me) in his article on pajiba.com: "Just a
picture of Falcor the Luck Dragon, or that giant stone Oracle with
wings and breasts and lazer eyes, is enough to have you drowning in
nostalgia like Atreyu's horse in the Swamp of Sadness." (I recommend
you read this article, especially YOU, Mary.)

The benefit to this remake, apparently, is that it's going to be more
book-specific. Who the frick cares? If I wanted to read the book I
would have downloaded it on my Kindle2, but I can't afford a Kindle2
so I didn't. F you Leonardo DiCaprio! You can take your production
company and shove it!! Also, I've never seen Total Recall, and
who really cares when atrocities like this are our future?

Email me: katy@oneyearintexas.com