Good Morning from OYIT [March 23rd]

By Glenn

Good morning. This is a really big week here at OYIT, as we're going to have a guest column this Thursday by someone you wouldn't expect to write here. Hint: it's someone famous. Hint: it's someone REALLY famous. Hint: we're having a surprise column Thursday night, so please check back then. Otherwise this should be a really slow week here. The weather is warming up because the sun's rays are being trapped in our atmosphere and this season's Lost has really hit its stride. On to the good mornings!

[I'm really serious about the surprise guest column on Thursday night - way more serious than I was about the sun's rays being trapped in our atmosphere. We'd have to, as a species, be producing a LARGE amount of carbon for that to start happening.]


Today's Weather

One of the reasons I like most about Weather.com is that as a privately owned enterprise, it cares only about the demands of the market and the demands of the most wealthy among us. Accordingly, they go out of their way to create features like the "Golf Index." For the bourgeois, the National Golf Index nearly rivals the Dow Jones as a crucial indicator of happiness. Right now my income puts me 100% below the federal poverty line - so it's hard for me to decipher what this map says. Rest assured, though: rich people everywhere will be enjoying a wonderful game of Monday afternoon somewhere.


Today's Sports News
For those of you who either live under a rock or have something BETTER to do with your late Sunday afternoon, I have some big news for you: the University of Missouri basketball team has advanced to the Sweet Sixteen of the NCAA basketball championship. The Missouri Tigers, like their namesake, have always been a fierce team with a murderous rage for human flesh. Unfortunately they've also been on the verge of extinction too. The gang at OYIT hopes that MU can win all of the basketball games in order to be the champions. Not because we've bet the very existence of our site on it, but because we like what the Tigers stand for: basketball.


Today's Complaint
Yeah, I got a complaint today. It's about my damn gas company! Things have been fine for about a year since I moved in here - I've been using the gas to cook things and to heat my small home. But then all of a sudden they told me they were gonna disconnect my service because I didn't pay the bills! I was hopping mad when I heard this and I started screaming so loud that I woke up. I had been asleep the whole time. It was all a dream, or so I thought. I turned to my wife and asked her if our gas was really going to get disconnected. She said "No, as long as you pay the bill. All they ask is that you pay for the natural gas service you use." Once a woman was able to explain something to be logically, I finally understood it. I paid my gas bill that morning and today as we sit here my computer is powered by natural gas.


Today's Prediction
My nightmares about my natural gas bill will continue as long as I continue to sleep next to the furnace (or my "wife" as I like to call it). I will refuse to pay this month's bill so I can instead buy a new set of golf clubs and finally enjoy the golf weather I've only read about on my computer. While "teeing off," I'll run into the NCAA champion Missouri Tigers and we'll play a few holes together. After I defeat all of them - finishing with a hole in one on the 9th hole, I'll pull one of their whiskers and say "guess you Tigers should have stuck to basketball!"