This is for the "straight" women because lesbians know better...
Prince Charming started out as a frog, not a misogynist pig. Do not let Valentine’s Day dupe you into thinking some sort of transformation has taken place, but keep in mind that chivalry indeed is dead. Valentine’s Day simply gives men the opportunity to fake it in order to prove their rightful place within our hearts, or more adequately, between our legs. Let’s not fake it Valentine’s Night and perpetuate this myth. That proverbial kiss will not awaken, but only render us to unfruitful slumber! In fact, I would rather keep making-out with that frog — at least he won’t lie about where he got those warts.
Unfortunately, it is not enough to merely skip out on Valentine’s Day. The political meaning is lost when people assume that you just can’t find anyone to fuck, and everyone knows that only the far Right can effectively organize on not getting laid. Rather, what I call for is an appropriation of Valentine’s Day and all that it entails. Empower yourself by taking the initiative.
Replace that standardized V-Day card rhyme with some poetry that is creative and passionate. An excerpt from Anne Sexton, for example:
After Auschwitz
Anger,
as black as a hook,
overtakes me.
Each day,
each Nazi
took, at 8: 00 A.M., a baby
and sauteed him for breakfast
in his frying pan.
And death looks on with a casual eye
and picks at the dirt under his fingernail.
Man is evil,
I say aloud.
Man is a flower
that should be burnt,
I say aloud.
Man
is a bird full of mud,
I say aloud.
Aside from being entirely accurate (I mean, V-Day does take place after Auschwitz), this poem also has a touch of sentimentalism in that it compares men to flowers and birds; it is a model example that you do not have to be a stone-cold bitch in order to be a feminist.
Pick up a movie while you’re at it. I recommend Teeth, the profound story of a young woman coming to terms with her toothed vagina. I get nostalgic just thinking about it. It is a thoughtful choice because it combines Friday the 13th/V-Day in one move, thus saving you money. Make him the cheap date for once… then pressure him into having sex with you! If that doesn’t work, force him. Incorporate this kinky, yet equality-friendly sex toy:
If it is the phallus that oppresses us as women, we can oppress right back! Men and women can then bond in their mutually harrowing state. It is quite romantic, really.
Make sure to cast aside those pesky condoms because they imply that it is the duty of men to protect us. Also, Men HATE having sex without condoms. By the way, do not lick or put a finger anywhere near his ass. A lot of men are implicitly homophobic, but they do (or will), in fact, love anal-anything. You should probably just make him eat your ass.
Stay strong, my sisters. If you are feeling a "maternal instinct”, have an abortion or perform one on someone else. If you feel a “feminine” urge to bake, stick your head in the oven. Remember, it is indeed possible to knock Prince Charming off his high-horse by being actual whores and by doing horses. Just try it.
Surprisingly this is the first article to mention eating ass. I would have guessed that I'd write the first article on ass eating.
ReplyDeleteI should also say that I loved this article. You are very funny Heather Joy. Heather your articles are a joy to read!
ReplyDeleteThat sex toy looks like it has something to do with the Wii. Your version of feminism fries Betty Friedan's carcass in a frying pan for breakfast! You know who's getting laid THIS Valentine's Day? That's right, Nazis!
ReplyDeleteValentine's Day, at first glance, seems to be the shining beacon in a country/society where casual sexual intercourse and sexual attraction in general are glorified and loveless relationships are all too common. It appears to be the day that, more than any other, serves as both a catalyst for the birth of a fulfilling, romantic relationship between two people and the impetus for those already in a relationship to cherish the special bond they share. In short, Valentine's Day is supposed to be a celebration of love, both old and new.
ReplyDeleteI do believe that, for a certain number of people, it is the special day it intends to be -- that much is clear. Even clearer, however, is the frequency in which its actual practice is distorted into something that resembles neither love nor affection. Instead, we see Valentine's Day traditionally as a time when men are "forced" by women into validating their feelings for the woman by either completing some task or purchasing some gift. It is here when the commercialism of this "holiday" joins together with its implicit sexism for this once-a-year assault.
Women like gifts, and women view gifts from men as evidence of love. Is this true? Not as nearly as much as we're led to believe, but also more than should be -- considering the fact that we live in the twenty-first century. Most males, however, ignore this and quickly adopt this concept because of its conventionality and simplicity. In abundance, we see them run to stores to buy flowers and candy (the only things a girl loves more than her significant other) and run, with mate, to the fanciest restaurants they can afford -- saying, "Look at how much I love you by all of this money I'm spending!" This completely one-sided system of placing the burden of purchase on the male is more than just a way to "prove" a bastardized version of love, however. Valentine's Day is the day of the year when men everywhere can unite in enjoying the escape from actual equality in relationships by embracing this system of rewards -- "Thank you so much for doing all of the cooking and cleaning this past year, honey; I think you'll find this brand-new necklace more than enough compensation for your troubles."
Valentine's Day is not the source of the rampant sexism in our society and it isn't the creator of the insane belief that love can adequately be expressed by spending money, but it is one of the chief villains. It's a holiday, although romantic in theory, that twists healthy concepts of love and relationships and damages them by celebrating an ideal of gender inequality and by justifying the replacement of genuine affection with cheap overtures.
Wow Glenn, way to steal the article spotlight.
ReplyDeleteI'm bummed! I was going to go to a Holocaust speech today at Coe College, but apparently the Valentine's Day Holocaust has already been covered.
Great article though!
I don't think you should extrapolate the fact that some people celebrate Valentine's Day that way to mean that Valentine's Day itself is some sort of villain. There is no Valentine's Day rule that says women aren't equal, that only men should express their affection through gifts and women reward them in sexual gratification. Only people who are inclined to embrace those normative schemes already are going to see them manifest in those conventional ways on Valentine's Day. I think you are emphasizing the fact that most men get gifts for their girlfriends on Valentine's and ignoring the fact that most women also get their boyrfriend's gifts as well to make a political point. Most view Valentine's Day not as a day to celebrate gender inequality, but a day to acknowledge love for each other. Ideally, you should do that every day. And I could entertain other objections to Valentine's Day. But declaring it a major sexist villain is not some thing I am willing to do.
ReplyDeletei didn't get shit on valentine's day and i don't get shit any other day, so i take it as a good sign that he still loves me the same as he always has. haha!
ReplyDeleteanyway, this article was absolutely hilarious.
You're full of shit Kal. I give you stuff. I cook you dinner every night and clean our house!
ReplyDeleteI had originally wrote some flippant comment about just wanting to get my ass ate, but I hadn't realize that a lover's quarrel was beginning to brew. Ooops!
ReplyDeleteOh, and I just want to get my ass ate. If was truly trying to gain any feminist recruits, I wouldn't waste my time on the sexist losers at OYIT. Kaleena, call me.
Ha! There's no lover's quarrel brewing. We're perpetually entrenched in it over here. Kal and I don't celebrate Valentine's Day. Our anniversary is one week before v-day (our 5 year was last week). We're also super poor, which is why we never get gifts. I got her a tattoo for Christmas this year, at least!
ReplyDeletethis was lovely heather, and glad to see that femdefence is gaining popularity. i hope you recieved that ass eating.
ReplyDeleteThat was awesome heather. I dont know who you are but im calling you by your first name. It just feels natural. The urge of wanting my ass ate out has lead me to many a feminist rant and I appreciate the thoughtfulness you brought to the task. I am a while late but the meaning is still there in words of the poem. Hitler would be proud!
ReplyDeleteIf you want to get your ass ate out, try spreading some peanut butter on it. Preferably the creamy kind rather than crunchy so there is no dangerous chewing... unless that's what you want. In that case make sure you keep alcohol (the drinking kind and the rubbing kind), a band-aid, and of course some milk nearby... oh and a treadmill, because peanut butter can be quite fattening. After your ass is eaten out, make sure you remember to tie him back up in the barn, so he doesn't run away to play with other asses.
ReplyDelete