Missed Connections

By Katy


In honor of Valentine's Day I did some intense research to really dig out some love stories as a feature. While I mostly failed, I did managed to collect quite a few "Missed Connections" with a happy ending. Disguised as an avid Craigslister myself, I asked people everywhere to e-mail me the very Missed Connections ads that made their lifetime love epics a reality. Featured here are a few of my favorites:

Location: Big Hank's Pub
Me: Blue Polo shirt, new khaki slacks, and mild acne. Playing Megatouch poker at the bar.
You: Flowing red hair, glasses, Mickey Mouse purse.

I'm the jerk who accidentally spilled Cosmo on your sweater, which caused you to leave the bar abruptly. Respond back, hit me with your seven digits, I can take you to the mall and get you a new sweater...then we can see how it looks on my floor.

Location: Mercy Hospital
Me: Matted brown hair, hospital gown, flushed cheeks, painted toenails.
You: Sandy blonde hair, prostate cancer, red silk pajamas with "MS" embroidered on the breast.

I had just had my baby the day before and in my drugged up, lethargic state I was wondering along the Post-Op floor and heard you singing Big City Nights. I peeked my head in and noticed you weren't quite awake and were in fact mumbling through Vicadin. Seeing you disoriented, wearing your own pajamas, was like Love at First Sting. Hopefully you're awake now and can shoot me an e-mail, if all goes well you can Rock Me Like a Hurricane.

Location: Harry Truman High School
You: Busty, green eye blond on your way to history with Mz. Schultz.
Me: Killer mustache, gray suit, standing next to a yellow bucket outside Mz. Schultz's room.

I was mopping up some vomit when you totally slo-mo strode by like a grecian goddess. I wanted to say hi but the principal was nearby watching my every move (I'm almost off probation) plus I had to go stock up my closet. If your eighteen hit me up, hopefully your eighteen now... actually email me anyway, we can at least be friends. I'll treat ya real good, I got cable...120 channels. Peace.

Location: McDonald's Drive-Thru
You: Red McDonald's shirt, cornrows, one arm, working solo.
Me: In black car, friend in passenger seat, in a hurry on a lunch break, rose tattoo on my cheek.

You did such a great job making our food given how busy you were and that you were all alone. I said I wanted to give you a tip but my friend was afraid you'd think it was because you only had one arm and we felt sorry for you. We did, but that wasn't why I wanted to give you a tip. It was because you made the tastiest Big Mac I've had in my mouth since I was in fifth grade. Let me give you that tip after all, send me a message!

Location: U of I Tailgating
You: Beer cap, bratwurst in each hand, "W" painted in black on your hairy chest
Me: Pigtails, U of I sweats, walking a Yorkshire Terrior

I've seen you around campus but it wasn't until last Saturday before the game that I fell in love when realizing our mutual love for sauerkraut. It's hard enough to find that common ground, but a fella that can chug more beer than Ulysses S. Grant is definitely worth a second look! I was partying next to you and your friends and when I caught a glance into your eyes I could see forever. You, me, and forties of Bud heavy.

Location: Odyssey Theatre
You: Girl who reached into my popcorn bucket
Me: Guy with the popcorn bucket

It was too dark to see who you were, or for you to see me, but I have to say that was the best HJ of my life. I knew stuff like that happened in movies, but I never expected a random stranger to pleasure me right there in the middle of Hotel for Dogs. It was truly amazing, and YOU'RE truly amazing, whoever you are. Irwin Federman once said "People love others not for who they are,
but for how they make them feel," and baby, you make me feel good.

By anonymous contributor

Location: University of Iowa Freshman Orientation, 2002
You: A tiny little thing with short, fiery red hair, a black lace thong, and a pair of titties; they'll make you beg for buttermilk.
Me: Scary-looking hairy guy who sat behind you and your exposed whale tail, during the 'Date Rape: It WILL happen to you' segment of class, who asked at one point, "Well, what did they expect, with the way they're dressed?"

I've been to every bar in Iowa City looking for you, and have roamed alleyways in the ped. mall for 7 years, hoping you'll fortuitously, drunkenly stumble into one of mine, for that ever-so-needed bathroom break, that isn't as private as you think. Really...I'd only like to buy you a drink (I'll get it, you stay put).

Congratulations to you all for so easily finding what takes most of us years to accomplish. I would like to hear updates soon about all the relationships and I hope this will provide hope to the many out there striving for love. Perhaps next Valentine's Day there will be less loneliness to go around.