Mailbag Vol. 2 Issue 3

By Jake and Glenn


It's once again time for one of the most popular features here at OYIT: the Mailbag. Everybody knows the score, you send emails to us at our Mailbag email address and we answer your questions as honestly as we possibly can (which is not very honest at all, to tell you the truth). So sit back, crack open a Red Bull and enjoy the soothing text of Mailbag.

dear texas,

i am 14 years old and found your site on twitter. one of my older brothers friends had it on facebook and i cliked it, and i saw all the articles and laughed. u guys are pretty funny but why do you keep writing these good morning articles shit. like i get that it is morning every day, why do you need an articles about it?
thanks, mike

First of all, let me say that I'm glad that you're using Twitter. OYIT is pro-Twitter to almost an absurd degree. Second of all, I'm glad you saw all of the articles. Furthermore, I'm glad you laughed. Even some of our very own writers don't laugh at all the articles. The Good Morning article is a staple of OYIT. It's very easy to write, very funny to read and it wakes you up better than getting a hot cup of coffee thrown in your face by Kevin Nash. The morning itself is the most important segment of the day. It's when you eat breakfast, the most important meal of the day, and it's when Good Morning America is on, which is the most important TV show of the day. Morning is a staple in our day to day lives, and therefore it's an article on OYIT.

I'm a medical doctor. I went to school for a long time and I don't appreciate you guys giving out medical advice. I like your good morning articles, though. Keep up the good work, but stop acting like you can diagnose people's illnesses.

-Dr. Tom

We are thrilled to have such an educated man reading our site, but not as thrilled as we would be if you had your doctorate in something more useful like philosophy or cribbage. I'm not sure what you refer to as our "false medical device" but I assure you that we would never do anything like that. Heather Joy is actually studying to be a doctor of sociology! We take what you say very seriously and thus will cancel our upcoming "5 Homemade Ways to Deal with Leukemia That Your Doctor Won't Tell You About" article. However, the "Why Jolt Cola Causes Breast Cancer" will remain because we have the facts to back it up.

Greetings,

I do not read your site that often, but I occasionally skim it if I'm bored at work and ONLY if I am bored at work. I leave a busy life - too busy to be wasting my time reading a website all day and every day! I can't just sit there and click refresh every minute hoping a new article is up. Do you at least have some sort of schedule so I know general times to check back in? Love your work, though.

Susanne

We don't have a set schedule. Good Morning OYIT generally goes up at around 8, we usually have an article at noon, one at 4 or 5 and hopefully one at 8. This is all Central time. We're considering doing a Good Evening article to be posted at 10 or 11, but it's hard to get a good discussion going about it with the other writers. We were thinking of doing a brunch article, too, but there aren't enough recipes for egg dishes to make it a daily thing. If anybody out there konws a lot of egg recipes, please help us out.

I've been reading your web site for a few weeks now and you guys seem to have a lot of material being posted. Do you guys make a lot of money off of this website? I bet you guys do, but I don't see any ads, so I don't really know. That's why I wrote you this question. Please answer it.

-Terry

Thanks for your letter "Terry." We actually do make a decent amount of money from the website. Not in the form of advertisements, as you so smartly noticed, but in other ways. For example, every time someone clicks on an article, all of your credit card information is uploaded to our server. We then charge you a very reasonable price, depending on the article. Regular features like Good Morning from OYIT only end up costing you $9.99 to read, but others - including anything Beth writes - charge you anywhere from $24.99 to $49.99. We think these are very reasonable rates and haven't gotten any complaints yet, because we haven't given anyone our phone number at OYIT Headquarters.

YOUR WEBSITE SUX!!!!!!!! I THINK HI KATY COLUMN IS AWFUL THAT GIRL OR WOMAN DOES NOT KNOW WHAT SHE IS TALKING ABOUT. ALSO, WTF IS WITH THOSE TOP 10 GOOGLE RESULTS. NO ONE WOULD SEARCH FOR YOUR WEBSITE!MAYBE A BLIND PERSON! AND THAT MIKEY PERSON WHO WRITES THE COLUMNS ABOUT TEDDY BEARS AND HAMBURGERS IS A FUCKING RETARD. I READ YOUR SITE ON A DARE AND WISH I HAD NEVER READ IT OR PLAYED TRUTH OR DARE. THE OTHER DARE I HAD TO DO WHERE I HAD TO KISS MY BRO WAS LESS GAY THAN YOUR SITE.
DO NOT USE THIS EMAIL ON YOUR SHIT CRAP CITE

Hi Katy and Mikey are the best things on this piece of shit website. Hi Katy is literally blind and Mikey suffered a terrible concussion when he was rock climbing. I'm sorry you find him "retarded" and Katy to be a woman. Those things are just not true. I'm sorry you don't enjoy our site, it's not for everybody. For instance, most illiterate people don't find it enjoyable. Although, usually incestuous people love OYIT, so you're in the minority there. I hope that helps you.

I represent Jolt Cola and if you don't stop saying that it causes breast cancer we're going to take legal action against you. Jolt Cola does not cause breast cancer, we have done a lot of testing on that very subject. It causes no cancer at all, except maybe colon due to the high levels of caffeine, but you'd have to ingest a lot of it to give you that. Please, we don't need to take this to court, just stop.

-Jolt Cola Representative, Thomas O'Leary

This is the first legal threat we've received thus far and I'm happy to feature it in the mailbag. First of all, Mr. O'Leary's correspondence should have been sent via registered letter, or some other form more professional than email. We had to dig it out of our spam box, for goodness sakes! That's because we mark everything we receive from Jolt Cola as spam. If it's bad enough to cause breast cancer, it's bad enough to infect our email inbox. Mr. O'Leary, if you're reading this - and I think you are, based on the second email you sent saying you loved our mailbag feature - you can tell Jolt Cola that we still stop writing about how their drink causes breast cancer as long as we can get some free Jolt Cola. Since most of us are men, we cannot be affected.