Life with Mikey [2-18-09]

By Mikey

My column has become so popular at OYIT that I've been asked to sydicate it to the Miami Herald. I said, "No way!" I'm not Dave Barry, although I do admire his work. Enjoy the article, please.

• Master P is a rapper, but he wasn't very good at basketball. I think he had a pretty good time, though.
  
  
• I love playing gin rummy even though I don't drink.
  
  
• Crushed tomatoes vs. diced tomatoes: crushed wins hands down.
  
  
• No one sends letters anymore. I don't think that's because people don't like writing them. It's just that it costs 42 cents to send a letter and emails are free.
  
  
• My favorite movie, book and greatest life accomplishment are all Parenthood.
  
  
• The reason newspapers will never die is because you can't get comic strips of hungry cats online. Can you?
  
  
• Whenever I get really, really hungry late at night I close my eyes and think of what I'd like to eat. I go to my fridge and it's always right there. I always only want to eat leftover meatloaf. My wife makes sure to make it at least twice a week.
  
  
• I don't know about all this Scientology hub-bub, but I do know that Tom Cruise was great in Minority Report and Will Smith was excellent in iRobot.
  
  
• I've heard the phrase "when life gives you lemons, make lemonade" and I know what it means but I just don't think that getting lemons is a bad thing. I like lemon flavored Laffy Taffy, for example.
  
  
• Is it just me or does cold air not bother you as much when there's snow on the ground? Maybe it's mental - snow just makes you think it should be cold and so you get bundled up accordingly. I don't know.
  
  
• The Government is always borrowing money and spending it on useless stuff. It's like my brother and wife teamed up.
  
  
• Could Saved by the Bell be any more unrealistic? I mean, a man like Slater would never be friends with a boy like Screech. Screech would be off of his radar.
  
  
• Some say love, it is a river. But that's stupid. Everyone knows love is a battlefield.
  
  
• I keep hearing people talk about this woman that had eight babies. My first thought upon hearing that was "At once?" but someone explained to me they come out one right after another.
  
  
• If I won the lottery, I'd probably buy a lot of things I can't afford right now. I'd also buy a lot of different kinds of candy from Walgreens.
  
  
• The best thing to use for fishing bait is chicken livers. Fish love that and they don't get enough of it. Leeches are good, too.
  
  
• Every time I hear the "5 Little Monkeys Jumpin' on the Bed" song I wonder... why isn't the mom watching her monkey babies? How many times is the doctor going to tell them not to jump on the bed before he calls DHS? Is this the family Curious George left behind? That would explain why the mom is an alcoholic.
  
  
• I hate smelling bad but I'm glad I can wear deodorant every day to make me smell better. I kind of wish they had one deodorant that you could put on and you'd never sweat again, but the deodorant lobby is too powerful for that to happen.
  
  
• I'm not against gay marriage, but I'd personally never marry a man. Not even Rupaul.
  
  
• Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego? That was a TV show that taught children how to deal with disappointment and also about geography.
  
  
• Variety is the spice of life, they say. Why do I only want to eat ground beef then? People are wrong sometimes, I guess.
  
  
• People think that Nannerpuss guy is pretty funny, but every time I see his eye come unglued I feel sad for him.
  
  
• When I want to laugh I watch Beethoven; when I want to laugh real hard I watch Beethoven's 2nd.
  
  
• When I want to think something over, I put on Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers "You Don't Know How it Feels." He's so right. I also like Jefferson Airplane.
  
  
• If cats have nine lives I must always get them after they've used up eight.
  
  
• I went to see The Curious Case of Benjamin Button; I realized Brad Pitt was really good in Thelma and Louise.