Hi Katy - Issue 4

By Katy

It's Monday! Which means Hi Katy time once again. I do apologize for the rather late hour this issue was posted. Today I went to get a transmission flush for my vehicle and whilst I sat two hours watching Drs, Dr. Phil, and Maury I realized I'm much better at giving pointed advice than any fake doctorate prancing about the television. Thus, begin recommending my column to people stuck learning about fanny facials. Do enjoy!

Hi Katy,

My boyfriend is constantly listening to techno music. I'm really into Miles Davis and John Coltrane; you know, jazz. He says they are the same. I don't know what he's talking about. Maybe it's because they're all on heroin. Who knows? My question is: can we make this relationship work even though we have completely different taste in music?

-Jazz v. Techno

Hi Jazz,

No offense, but your boyfriend sounds like a total douchebag. Obviously, you should already be aware of that. Comparing jazz to techno is like saying The Killers will outsell U-2. (At least when John lennon said they were bigger than Jesus he was right.) But since you're clearly aware he's an idiot let's get to the heart of the question.

It all depends on your passion, not for one another, but for music. If you both love your music and care for it deeply (as you clearly do) you'll never manage a lasting relationship with someone who doesn't, nor with someone whose musical interest are far different from your own. A.) It's important for one to at least feign interest in their significant other's infatuations. B.) indifference to music leads to terrible music-listening; something a music-lover cannot abide. I once dated a closet ICP fan, (his inability to mold to a stereotype really threw me off) and when I discovered this secret he was actually very proud of it. I haven't spoken to him since.

Seriously, music is not something to be taken lightly. You don't want to end up on the dance floor at your wedding getting down to "Save a Horse Ride a Cowboy" because your fiancé shrugged when the DJ asked your music preferences, do you? No, you don't. You need to do some serious soul searching about what music means to you - if there's a chance to convert your boyfriend, congratulations! If not, and he's overbearing when it comes to who controls the radio in the car, stop at the rest stop and drop him off, flip him off, and speed off.

Hi Katy

Every time I change I notice a man leering at me in the tree outside of my window. I know I should be upset and, perhaps even, scared. Instead I'm very titillated. Do you think it's a bad idea to try and meet my long distance admirer, or do you think he might murder me?

-Jeepers Peepers

Hi Jeepers,

This is the kind of thing I would love to make a joke of, but you good people ask for my advice and you deserve some cold, heart answers.

WTF?! That's all I gotta say. W.T.F. Don't you watch Law & Order, CSI, or Cold Case? I do, and you know what? Peepers are just the stage one serial killer. Every single time. Before you know it this guy is going to be maiming neighborhood kitty cats, masturbating over sleeping old ladies, and if you're lucky you can be the first of many serial rape/murder victims. At least you have an aspiration.

If you want to know whether you should meet, you should consider his point of view. He likes peeping in on women. If he liked meeting women he'd be on match.com or Saturday night speed dating. As previously discussed, I doubt he's leaning against that tree trying to get up the courage to ring your doorbell and introduce himself. I also doubt you're the only girl he "checks in on." If you enjoy it, have a blast, but lock your doors and windows. Or, you could call the police since you have a civil duty to report this kind of behavior. If you choose to ignore this advice you can expect some serious raping, or else enjoy your next few years as Mrs. Infamous Killing Spree.

Hi Katy,

We discussed my dislike for orange juice with pulp in your last column and you asked me to elaborate. I think you've made some wrong assumptions about my orange juice habits. The real reason why I'm leery about buying a second carton of OJ is that they will take up too much room in the fridge. I don't like my fridge to be too cluttered, I think that's the root problem you're trying to get out of this. Secondly, I'm worried about my future well being now, because I've been pulp-less for so long. Are you sure I cannot possibly succeed with a lack of pulp? Do you think that if I start drinking 69-70 glasses of pulp-full OJ (extra pulp, perhaps) every day I could possibly rectify my prolonged pulplessness up to this point in my life? Please help me out, thank you for bringing me to the light.

--Pulp Stricken (the artist formerly known as Pulp Friction)

Hi again Pulp,

I'm saddened by how boring this elaboration is. You're absolutely correct that I made several assumptions regarding your personality. I thought you might be deep; someone I could get to know and love forever, but you're just lazy and dull. Whatevs.

If you don't want to take up more room in the fridge maybe you could convince your less of a loser roommate to buy pulp-less orange juice, though I'm doubtful since s/he plans to be something. So, you could take the cartons of OJ and use a seive to remove all the pulp. This is your best bet because not only do you get to enjoy orange juice the way you like it, but that pulp has been soaking in the liquid long enough you get just a little bit of success in every sip.

As far as catching up on success, in your case I'd say no. You've already acknowledged your refusal to buy your own juice and frankly, I have no words for that. I suppose you can become rich and have other people wait on you, but you will have to apply yourself to get to that point. I hate you. I leave you in the words of the great Chris Brown, "Shut up bitch and drink your OJ!"

Hi Katy -

My problem is a bit embarrassing. My boyfriend's penis is large. Well, quite large. Painfully large, honestly. I am at the point where I feign the flu and make myself vomit for days ina row just to get out of having sex! The thing is, won't I seem a bit ungrateful if I break up with him? All my friends say I'm lucky and would be crazy to do so. Help!

Sincerely,
Penis Non-envy

Hi Penis,

Your story breaks my heart. I have long been searching for a painfully, large penis for my own important needs. Seeing that you want to end a relationship based on that fact makes me feel for all under-pleasured men and women out there, as well as your horse-penised BF.

I pity you. Full-on sadface pity. I'm sorry you feel this is a reason to end the relationship. Is this really the only reason? You haven't even been honest about it! Maybe he thinks your vagina (or anus) is too small. Have you considered that Tiny Vag?

Go see a sex counselor. Yes - a sex counselor, one that specifies in silly sex problems. Perhaps they'll be able to teach you that two people can have a sexessful conclusion without shoving the entirety of the penis into an opening. Maybe they can recommend a place that can enlarge your vagina, or (cockgods forbid) shrink a massive penis. Just don't quit on the poor guy because he's heavily endowed. In thirty years, after the wear and tear of life and child-birthing, your vagina might welcome a hearty meat missle.

If you break-up, I offer free, private post break-up counseling for men. Just have him e-mail me.

Hi Katy -

I am living with my girlfriend whom I love very much. We're a lesbian couple,or rather, I wish we were a lesbian couple. See, she's gay, but I'm not. I've tried so hard to change! I don't even watch lesbian porn with strap-ons anymore but nothing seems to help. I want to hate cock, but I love it. I love it and I want to *explicit* any and all cocks and - oh God, I disgust myself!
Please help us. Are there any places that can turn me gay? "Gay in a Day" camps, perhaps? I know Christians have them for the reverse effect.
Anyway, please help me keep my love.

-Hopelessly Straight

Hi Straight,

If you recall, I had a similar question last week, except it was from your roommate's perspective. I could say the same advice applies - see if you can work out a cock schedule for a dick-fix on occasion to quell that need in your body.

If you love and feel for this girl, it shouldn't matter that you're not "a lesbian." I do hope you love her enough that you'd have sex with her, otherwise she's going to feel very cheated out of this deal. Love is one thing, but it's making love that matters in the end.

In the likely case she's not cool with the cock-fix, that's doable. Know why? Sex toys are why. I realize of course vibrators and dildos aren't in every way exactly like a penis, but they have some amazing similarities these days. Some are warm, some are made from skin-like material, some have fake veins - and science is just getting better! Some vibrators are arguably better than an actual penis because they do some crazy things all at the same time making them more versatile. Keep an array of possibilities and a few good strap-ons and more importantly - don't knock it 'til you try it!


Well it's been a good time everyone. Thanks for being loyal readers and as always, anything you feel the need to discuss just e-mail me!