Friday the 13th: Ideas They Could Have Used Instead of Rebooting

By Jake

Friday the 13th means a lot of things. For example, it means that it's the 13th day of the month and it's also a Friday at the same time. It is also a successful series of movies that launched the career of Kane Hodder like the Space Shuttle Challenger on its tenth mission, only to explode in mid flight due to an O-ring seal failure on its right solid rocket booster. Hollywood executives have come up with another brilliant idea they feel will make up for the tragedy of the Challenger: they're rebooting the Friday the 13th series.

Now, I'm not a fan of reboots. If you're not going to bother coming up with a completely new idea, then I say you should just make a sequel. This Friday the 13th movie could have been called just that, but remained a sequel in spirit. Instead they turn Jason Voorhees into a biker with a mullet who runs faster than Carl Lewis on hot coals. This is not necessary at all. Hollywood, you listen up and you listen good, for I am going to give you several possibilities for Friday the 13th sequels that you could have been made rather than rebooting.


1. Friday the 13th: Maul of America
Camp Crystal Lake, no longer profitable due to the mass murder of many of its campers gets sold to an evil corporation (which is a redundancy, really). The corporation builds a mall on where the camp once stood.
The mall opens on Friday the 13th! First the food court is hit my Jason's unstoppable murdering spree. Then he takes his machete slicing skills to the Banana Republic. Next he slashes prices and throats at Hot Topic. FYE more like DIE!
A group of teens come together to fight Jason. They finally "kill" him somehow. Even though Jason is unstoppable, he is somehow always stopped. Go figure!

2. Friday the 13th: Jason Voorhees' Diary
A group of twenty-somethings find a diary left in a dilapidated cabin at Camp Crystal Lake. The Diary happened to belong to Jason Voorhees, the homicidal slasher. In the Diary Jason tells of his love for a fellow camper, Tawny Turner. The twenty-somethings decide that they need to find Ms. Turner in order to rid Camp Crystal Lake of its horrible curse.
When they find Turner, she is a 45 year old woman. She agrees to go with the twenty-somethings in order to talk to Jason. She meets up with Jason, and she tells him that they can't be together because he's a monster and murders people with a machete. Jason throws down his machete and carries Turner off.
Can the twenty-somethings get Ms. Turner back, or is she forever doomed to be brutally tortured and raped by the hideous monster, Jason Voorhees?

3. Friday the 13th: Jason Voorhees in Double Trouble
Jason finds out he has a twin brother. He travels away from Camp Crystal Lake, allowing the camp to become prosperous once again. He goes to Minnesota to meet his brother.
His brother owns a motorcycle dealership. Jason and his brother bond while his bro shows him the ropes of selling motorcycles. Jason's brother mentors Jason, but when Jason finds out his brother has been borrowing money from the mafia. Furthermore, Jason's bro can't pay the mob back, so they break his legs and tell him he has 48 hours to pay them the money or else they're going to whack him.
Jason gets extremely upset and grabs his trusty machete. He goes to the fruit stand that the mob is using as their front and starts slashing his way through mobsters. Once he gets to the head of the mafia, Jason and he have a huge machete fight that will be unlike anything ever seen in a film before.
The movie ends with Jason and his brother riding motorcycles off into the setting sun.

4. Friday the 13th: A Jason in Time Kills Nine
When Jason murders people on an archeological dig, he picks up an amulet. This amulet beholds the magical power of time travel. Jason accidentally gets blasted to the past. He ends up in the 1800s.
Jason is the new sheriff in town, as he machetes his way through the rank and file of the wild west. He teams up with the Native Americans to help them get a better treaty deal-- one signed in blood.

5.Friday the 13th: Jason's Spring Break
Jason hitchhikes his way from Camp Crystal Lake to Fort Lauderdale to party his ass off. The unwitting college aged stoners that pick up Jason have no idea what they're in for: the best spring break ever.
Jason lays down his trademark machete for this film, and picks up a beer bong in its stead. Jason hasn't fully retired from murder, as the douchey antagonist of the film tries to put the squeeze on Jason's new friends. Jason break a beer bottle, fashioning a make-shift machete, and hacks and slashes until he's beer bonging their blood (which is full of lsd and makes Jason trip balls).
Jason awakes in jail, and his friends have to help him break out or spring break is ruined forever.

6. Friday the 13th: Jason Goes Bananas
When a drug cartel uses Camp Crystal Lake as their top secret poppy field, they accidentally bring back more than they can handle when Jason somehow gets mixed in with their cash crop. Jason is in Mexico and he's off the hook.
Jason runs roughshod through the cartel's underlings, leaving a trail of organs and blood splatter in his wake. Soon he's facing the leader's muscle, who, no matter how many times he punches Jason, never seems to phase the masked murderer. Jason slices and dices his way to the drug lord. As Jason defeats the entire cartel single-handedly, he finds himself as a beloved figure of the Mexican people who no longer have to live under the rule of the drug lords.
They elect Jason el Presidente, and upon his victory speech, Jason leaps into the gathered crowd and takes a final slice at his loyal subjects. Screen freezes and credits roll.

7. Friday the 13th: Unleashed
Jason Voorhees is a mild mannered mass murderer who is on the dole. His girlfriend recently left him due to his 'go nowhere' attitude, so he sets out to find himself a job and win her back.
After a few missteps (most of them involving carving potential employers up like turkeys), Jason lands a job as an attack dog trainer. Jason tries his hardest to be a model employee, but he just can't control his murder lust. He slashes and hacks the dogs to pieces and then does the same to all of his fellow employees and also his girlfriend.
The film ends when somebody traps Jason in a crate. In an allusion to Raiders of the Lost Ark, he is put in a giant warehouse in said crate, which is unmarked, he is placed amongst the other crates seemingly never to be unleashed again.

8. Friday the 13th: Jason Unplugged
This might sound a little similar to the last, but only in title.
Jason joins an acoustic folk band. While traveling around through the south they get busted for marijuana possession. Jason was in the bathroom at a reststop during the bust. Jason has to set out to perform solo in order to raise the money for his jailed friends.

9. Friday the 13th: Mr. Voorhees
Jason Voorhees gets a job as a nanny for his ex-wife's children. Jason teaches them discipline and life lessons with the aid of his trusty, rusty machete.
The kids are out of control in the beginning, but when Jason kills their father, the mailman and the ice cream man they straighten up and do what they're told. Jason turns the kids into pint-sized killing machines. He also helps them get good grades in school.

10. Friday the 13th: Racin' Jason
A race track is built on the ruins of Camp Crystal Lake. When Jason rises to murder the masses, he is quickly distracted by the horse racing. Jason gets addicted to gambling and starts blowing through his money pretty quickly. Jason goes to a loan shark to borrow some cash.
Jason continues his losing streak. When the loan sharks come to break Jason's legs, Jason introduces them to an old friend: his machete. Jason rids them of their organs and steals their money. He wins a little money, but that doesn't matter because he now has his murder lust back. Jason kills everyone. The End.

11. Friday the 13th: The Late Show with Jason Voorhees
Camp Crystal Lake is turned into a television studio. When Jason comes back, he's caught up in all the glitz and technical glamor of television production. He is quickly discovered by a fat homosexual talent scout and made into the host of a late night talk show.
Jason literally kills in the ratings. He also kills some of his guests and audience members. When he kills Branford Marsalis, his band leader, he is promptly arrested by bumbling security guards. When he kills the security guards his ratings sore. He is given an Emmy and made Time Magazine's Man of the Year.

12. Friday the 13th: Jukebox Hero
Jason emerges from his watery grave, only to find that he has a song his heart and stars in his eyes. Jason enters the seedy world of karaoke, only to find that it is harder than he expected.
His first performance goes well and he for sure thinks he's going to win, until he meets Ricky Slim, the world's greatest karaoke performer (non-Asian). Jason is somewhat humbled. He asks for some pointers. Ricky tells him to fuck off. Jason gets very angry, but doesn't kill Ricky out of respect for his craft.
Jason meets up with a slick manager named Joseph Tory, formerly one of the top karaoke performers in the world. His career ended when he got throat polyps. The surgery to remove them strained his voice enough to where he could never win another competition. His love for the art of singing other people's songs never dwindled and he managed some choice talent, including-- at one time-- Ricky.
Jason trains hard. He faces Ricky in a stunning finale at the Atlantic City Karaoke Showdown. Both sing their hearts out, but Ricky still wins. He once again shoots his mouth off at Jason and even punches Joseph. That's the line that shouldn't have been crossed. Jason pulls out his machete and carves Ricky like a suckling pig in Mansura, Louisiana. Jason takes Ricky's first place trophy and hands it to Joseph, who fears for his life. Jason and Joseph embrace.

13. Friday the 13th: Valentine's Day

By Glenn

Camp Crystal Lake has been full of murder for decades and even some lust but until now, never love. The last time we saw Jason he was in the middle of a nuclear blast, but instead of the intense heat killing him (as it did to everything else in a 200 mile radius) it only inflamed his heart's passion for love. Jason returns to Crystal Lake in search of love but all he finds are teenagers. He, of course, kills all of them one by one in progressively more brutal circumstances. Eventually one of the teenager's mothers comes to Crystal Lake to find out where her daughter is and Jason falls in love with her. He asks her out to dinner but she can't hear him because he can't actually talk. She goes to dinner anyway, and they have a lovely time, but he kills her at the end because that's what Jason does. Then the military drops a 100 ton hydrogen bomb on the French restaurant where they ate dinner in hopes of killing him.