RL Stine's #1 Fan

By Jake

This was a performance art piece I performed in the winter of 2002. I played the part of the lovable Goosebumps' titles spouting Num1RLstineFan. He is tormented by his own inner demons and in a downward spiral due to perpetual heroin abuse. This was his last cry for help, but was he to be taken seriously? No. Nothing I ever do is taken seriously. Yesterday I took an aspirin. Even that wasn't taken seriously.

Playing the part of the confused ADL1382 is none other than Judith Light (of Who's the Boss? fame). In this Judith stunningly captured a person who had no idea what was happening. She acted as if she didn't spend her childhood reading Goosebumps books. She won the hearts of the audience at our only performance (The Special Winter Olympics of 2002).


Num1RLstineFan: (Covered by shadows) Hi, Let's Get Invisible.
ADL1382: (confused) Come again?
Num1RLstineFan: Nothing (he smirks), just saying Welcome to Camp Nightmare.
ADL1382: Well thank you.
Num1RLstineFan: You're very welcome. (Places finger on chin inquisitively) Does the 'A' in your name stand for Abominable Snowman of Pasadena?
ADL1382: No, but the 'L' stands for the Little Old Lady from Pasadena. (The lights go off to signify the darkness ADL is feeling at this moment. Ominous drums are pounding unrhythmically while a woman screams shrilly) Do you mind if I ask who you are?
Num1RLstineFan: I'm RL Stine's number 1 fan.
(The lights explode on like a million bolts of lightning hitting all at once. The woman screams so loud that the audience has to cover their ears at the realization)
ADL1382: I gathered that much.
(The drums and screaming stop. Everything is way too quiet. The lights are blinding everyone, letting nobody see Num1RLstineFan.)
Num1RLstineFan: Do you possibly know How I Got My Shrunken Head.
ADL1382: Some of his best work. Do you have a name?
Num1RLstineFan: Yeah, of course. I also have a Haunted Mask.
ADL1382: What is your real name?
(The scream starts up again, more shrill than before. At this point the audience's ears are bleeding and they're beginning to leave.)
Num1RLstineFan: You're asking far too many questions. Why can't you just sit back and enjoy Ghost Camp?
ADL1382: Have i ever met you before?
Num1RLstineFan: Yeah.
ADL1382: When?
Num1RLstineFan: When we were at Ghost Beach.
(The screaming stops.)
ADL1382: I have been advised to "initiate cyber sex." (During the stage play it should be noted that this was changed to "initiate real sex" and a coat rack advises her to do it.)
Num1RLstineFan: From whom?
ADL1382: An adviser (a coat rack).
Num1RLstineFan: Who might your adviser be? Is he an Egg Monster From Mars?
ADL1382: No, but he thinks that Piano Lessons can be Murder.
(Thunder roars killing everybody in the audience.)
Num1RLstineFan: Oh, and they can.
ADL1382: I would love to continue this, but i am very tired and i must get up early tomorrow.
Num1RLstineFan: Well, goodNight of the Living Dummy
(Bows.)

As you can see there are some fundamental flaws with this performance arts piece -- no feces for instance. It was not well received and the audience didn't follow their stage directions very well. Judith Light was great and backstage was a doll. She told me who the boss was, but I'm not allowed to say; you'll just have to watch the series finale to find out (there are several clues but they never outright say it).