2009 Oscar Predictions

By Jake and Glenn




The Academy is the most prestigious award in America. It's more important than WWE's Slammy, NASA's Glossiest Rocket, Burger King's Most Flame Broil'd Burger, Uncle Tom's Most Indestructible Cabin and Osama bin Laden's Greatest Video Editor combined.

Today the Academy Awards came out - or dropped (in slang) - today. Some of the nominees may be surprising. We are focusing on the one award that means anything: Best Picture.

Best Picture Nominees

Iron Man

Glenn says... I never saw this movie because it was rated R and my mom wouldn't let me (I'm 26 but that doesn't mean she stopped caring about what I get exposed to). It is nice to see a comic book movie nominated for Best Picture this year, though.

Jake says... Iron Man is the story of a man made out of iron. The title is very apt and this man of iron stirs up quite a bit of trouble. First he heads over to Israel to destroy the Palestinians. Then he flies home to get wasted at his brother's wedding reception. The wedding scene is more epic than the Deer Hunters'. As far as films including weddings go, this was a great one.

Don't Mess with the Zohan

Glenn says... To be honest this film's nomination probably had more to do with the politics of the Israel excursion into Gaza than it did with the otherwise mediocre direction and score. If you don't know, Adam Sandler plays a former Mossad agent who becomes a hairstylist in New York. As the Academy unanimously condemned the Gaza attack, the film was likely nominated as a way to stave off anti-Semitic criticisms that had been building in the last few weeks from members of the Hollywood ADL.

Jake says... This film has a misleading title, because the first thing that happens is somebody messes with the Zohan. The rest of the movie is people trying to explain to the lead character, Thomas, why he should not have messed with the Zohan. This movie was very dialogue heavy. There were some really good long shots, though. I enjoyed a lot on the technical end, but didn't fully understand why one wouldn't want to mess with the Zohan. In the end the Zohan messes with Thomas, in a particularly bloody scene. It's like Carrie, kind of, but with way more dialogue and people drink too much coffee in this movie, don't you think?

The Bucket List

Glenn says... Middle aged people everywhere (except on the East Coast, West Coasts, areas with a median income of over $80,000 and areas with an accredited college or university within 30 minutes) thoroughly enjoyed this film about mortality and the power of friendship. No surprises on this nomination.

Jake says... This movie pails (get it?!?!?!) in comparison to some of the other nominated films. I was surprised to see this get a nomination, actually. I felt that the idea of old people dying and doing things was a little over done. It happens every day in the nursing home I work at. I mean, sure old people can do funny things like poop and lay in said poop, but mostly they just sit and wish their grandchildren would visit them. It's kind of depressing, minus the hilarious poop jokes they're constantly playing. This movie has Jack Nicholson, who was also nominated for Best Actor for this role. Nicholson was fabo in this, but the scene where he bungee jumps is a little unbelievable.

Vantage Point

Glenn says... Vantage Point is the only movie about an assassination to be nominated in four different categories since the film "The Assassination of Richard Nixon" starring Sean Penn. That film was really more about an ordinary man dealing with the difficult circumstances surrounding the dissolution of his family than it was any violent act. This film is about an actual assassination. This is my dark horse choice, ironically, because the movie is actually very lighthearted.

Jake says... From my vantage point this was a shoe-in for Best Pic nomination. I was right! This movie tells the story of an exploding bomb (the best kind) that is shot on cameras from various angles. The most interesting thing that happens in this movie is that Denzel Washington does a little kung fu. I didn't even know he knew how! I was literally cheering when he kicked the shit out of those Russians. It was like Rocky IV with balls. The balls were so huge I'd say they had elephantitis.


Baby Mama

Glenn says... Written, directed by and starring Tina Fey, Baby Mama was a chance to capitalize on her new mainstream appeal she gained from playing Sarah Palin on Saturday Night Live. Unfortunately the movie was released months prior so never found a huge niche with audiences who were too busy seeing The Dark Knight for the seventh time. Amy Poehler's strong performance as a child's mother should have been nominated for Best Supporting Actress, but I'm sure Tina Fey will take this Best Picture nod as a consolation prize.

Jake says... Baby Mama is a movie starring Amy Poehler and Tina Fey. Amy Poehler tricks Tina Fey into thinking she's pregnant in order to get money from her. The problem being that Fey is really excited to have a baby in her life. As the two grow closer, it becomes harder for Poehler to tell Fey she's not really pregnant. Then the impossible happens: she finds out she's really pregnant! This movie blew my mind like the .38-caliber handgun Brynn Hartman used to kill her husband, and wonderful comedian, Phil Hartman. It was heart warming and relevant to society and my personal life. I was once duped by a fake pregnancy, but that was because I threatened to leave my girlfriend if she started using drugs again, just like the situation between Brynn and Phil Hartman. Luckily, my girlfriend eventually told me the truth instead of killing me.

Our Pick To Win

Glenn's Pick: As I said, my dark horse is Vantage Point but it's called a dark horse because I don't think it will actually win. It's just a horse you can barely see in the night. The clear winner is Iron Man. This film broke all box office records, featured a legendary posthumous performance from Gwyneth Paltrow and successfully built upon the franchise's first film Iron Man Begins. Look for Iron Man to win Best Picture but lose the popular vote.

Jake's Pick: I will have to go with Vantage Point because it was very arty. I personally enjoyed Baby Mama the most, but that's because I like comedies. Vantage Point had such a great fight scene at the end, too. I really thought Denzel would have gotten nominated for Best Actor, but alas, no nod. There will never be any justice for Washington (although he has Oscars). Denzel, I dedicate this best picture pick in your honor. Much love, 'Zel.