My Dinner With Andre

By Josh



This is a script I have been working on that is a remake of the 1981 film My Dinner With Andre. In the remake I want to cast Andre 3000 as Andre Gregory and I will be playing Wallace Shawn (with more hair). This is a work in progress.

A: Ahhh, such sweet sound
The Fiddler on the Fuckin' Roof
Is that Mr. Bentley Fonzworth?



Me: No. It's Josh. We were having dinner tonight correct?

A: Hey ya… Good day, good sir
How do you do?

Me: I'm doing well. And yourself?

A: Close to spectacular? How so?

Me: I said I was doing well.

A: Come on man make up your mind

a minute ago you said you were fine.

Me: I don’t think I did but yeah I’m doing fine.

A: Whatever you say... your spectacular

Me: What? Never mind. I’m glad you could find time to have dinner with me. I’m sure you are very busy. I appreciate your music and I think the cultural importance of your work is underrated, but at least the fans appreciate it.

A: (Glances at newspaper) Have you heard the news?

Me: No

A: Pit-bulls went out of style…

It's like me selling some dope because my girlfriend wants to shop
Wrong reason, whatever the season, hey winter, spring, summer or fall…

Now what that be for?

Me: I’m not sure, but I don’t own any dogs. I have allergies.

Waiter: What can I get to drink for you gentlemen this evening?

A: Everybody needs a glass of water today!

Me: Water’s fine. So Andre, tell me a little about yourself.

A: The year was 1975
That night crickets cried
They knew what was going down
Three girls travel a long country road
And one said she thinks it's time
This baby wants to come right now

Me: You were born in 1975. You look very young for your age. Where are you from?

A: Some say Atlanta
Some say New York
Some say Paris France but, who knows
Where this flower, grows.

Me: Yeah, I know how you feel. Things get hectic sometimes.

A: The world is movin’ fast and I'm losin' my balance
No time to dig, low low
To a place where ain't nowhere to go but up
Ya wit me say shiiit, sho sho

Waiter: (Brings water) Are you gentlemen ready to order?

Me: Yes, I think I will have the Club Sandwich.

A: Apple Pie.

Waiter: Apple pie?

A: Ya, Don't everybody like the taste of Apple Pie?

Waiter: Of course, but would you like anything else to eat with that.

A: fry! You know, like electric chair… The way you stare (yeah I'm there)
You committed a crime and I'm the victim.

Waiter: Sorry sir, I will bring you your Apple pie and fries.

Me: What were we talking about?

A: The circumcision has already begun
Desensitizing the very thing or thang that brought
you into this motherfucker in the first place
And when I say "motherfucker" I do mean "motherfucker"
Because Mother Earth is dying and we continue to fuck her to death
Play with your own score sheet, become the master of your own bastion
And yes, God is watching you, but no need to be embarrassed
For the future is in your hands… no the future is in your hand
Play with your own score sheet.

Me: I see. So I take it you are an environmentalist. I agree with you about the whole circumcision thing. It’s unfortunate that most males don’t have the choice of whether they want to be circumcised. The choice is made for us and we are left forever wondering what sex would be like with the foreskin.

Scene II

Waiter: (brings food out) Here you go, one Club Sandwich, one slice of apple pie, and an order of fries. Is there anything else I can get for you?

Me: No, thank you.

A: (Takes a bite of apple pie) I wait my whole life to bite the right one
Then you come along and that freaks me out
So I'm frightened...

Me: That good huh? So I've always wondered who designs your clothes. I've noticed you wear some pretty eccentric outfits.

A: Ain't nobody dope as me I'm dressed so fresh so clean... Like Noah I get crews to choose and you get pretty deep... (And we are...) the coolest motherfunkers on the planet (In my mind...) the sky is fallin ain't no need to panic...

Me: I'm not sure I follow. I was just wondering who designed them.

A: My nigga Bungle whipped it up... to wild out like Jack Trippa.

Me: Jack Trippa? I don’t know who that is. So what would you have to say about your music? What would you say to your critics?

A: Too Democratic, Republic fuck it
We chicken nugget, we dip in the sauce like mop and bucket
Blue-collar scholars, who'll take your dollar and wipe my ass wit it...I met a critic, I made her shit her draws.

Me: Hmm...

A: To put that bitch in slower motion, got the potion and the antidote
And a quote for collision the decision
Is do you want to live or wanna exist
The game changes every day so obsolete is the fist and marches
Speeches only reaches those who already know about it
This is how we go about it

Me: Yeah. I'm not exactly sure about the difference between living and existing, but I agree "speeches only reaches those who already know about it". It reminds me of a quote from the bible "Let he who can understand, understand." Are you an avid reader?

A: Well they come like black stallions in the night
You see around four or five that's when they figure the time is right
That's when you good and sleep
I couldn't sleep until I seen ‘em wit my own eyes
Till they come over the hill surprised

Me: Oh yeah, you’re talking about Black Stallion by Walter Farley. I’ve never read it, but I’m sure it’s good. I also frequently read myself to sleep. Before I forget do you think you could give me a ride home. I had to take the bus here and I think it is too late. The last one was a half hour ago.

A: Ahhhh I stank I can, I stank I can
The funky engine that could
Oooo oooo yosky, wosky, pisky, wisky
All aboard the Stankonia Express
The underground smell road
Everybody's lookin' for an excuse to let loose
What's your locomotive, the chatter and the choo choo