Love in an Elevator: Living it up or Going Down!?

By Jake

Aerosmith, I think we can all at this time agree, is one of the most controversial bands on the planet. No other band has garnered so much respect, and, at the same time, been met with as much intense hatred. Steven Tyler calls this the "Aerosmith-effect." Joe Perry just plays the guitar, he doesn't call it anything. The other two guys are irrelevant, they may as well be dead.



Out of all the great and awful songs by the rock stars, none falls so in-the-middle as "Love in an Elevator." The premise is simple: What if one were to have sex in an elevator? The statement that follows is idiotic: "Livin' it up while going down." They repeat the part about love in the elevator and then hit you with a statement so profound that it could dislocate your jaw (blood and saliva streaming from your mouth and forming a small puddle under your head as it lay on the concrete): "Lovin' it up 'til I hit the ground."

That, readers, is called a chorous.

I would like to discuss the last bit of the chorus, and then go to the beginning of the song. Mainly I'd like to discus the final statement (it's more than just a line) of the chorous. "Lovin' it up 'til I hit the ground" implies that Steven Tyler, or the character he's assuming the identity of in the song (like a latter day Slim Shady or Rey Misterio Jr.), has the ability to ejaculate in the matter of seconds within an elevator performing vaginal penetration. We'll be assuming that the woman is wearing a skirt. Being that Steven Tyler is a hard man, a man's man, and not a pussy (and that this is the mid 80s), we'll be assuming that their is no rubber involved.

Is Steven Tyler a premature ejaculator? One only needs to go to the opening verse of the song to answer this question:
"Workin like a dog for the boss man/Workin' for the company/I'm bettin' on the dice I'm tossin'/I'm gonna have a fantasy."
If this were at the end of the song, we'd call it a twist ending. Since it's placement is within the end of the opening line, it tends to be more Shakespearean. Yes, I am saying that the author of the song is equal to the work of the great play write. This song is like the film American Beauty.

If one were to disect the lyrics even further, than this gem would really throw them through a loop:
"I really need a girl like an open book/To read between the lines."
This is implying that you can read between lines in a book (only if you have it open). This makes me wonder if Steven Tyler is more capable of reading a book than I am. Then I remember the status of the band Aerosmith: classic. I know he is a better reader than I. He is a better singer than I. He knows how to tie a scarf to the end of a micophone stand. I don't even know how to tie my shoes, which is why I wear velcro or slippers.

"Jackies in the elevator/Lingerie second floor/She said can I see you later/And love you just a little more"
The female lover in the elevator is named Jackie. She wants more! She wants more! I had to emphasize that, because we delved into the premature ejaculation theory earlier. Now I could easily propose the theory of a second "gunman" (if you know what I mean, if not then I mean that 'gun' is a 'penis'). I know this is not the case because Steven Tyler, or the character he's portraying, is all man. Maybe if this song was called "Love in a Public Restroom" then we'd have something to work off. My theory, is that he's operating on dream time, which makes the elevator move at a snail's pace.

"I kinda hope we get stuck/Nobody gets out alive/She said Ill show you how to fax/In the mailroom, honey/And have you home by five."
The two lines that should immediately come to the attention of the reader are: "Nobody gets out alive" and "She said I'll show you how to fax." In Steven Tyler's fantasy he has no control. He could easily make the elevator come to a grinding halt, if he wanted. This would leave me to believe that he is having a wet dream instead of a fantasy. Also, in his dream he doesn't know how to use a fax machine. Luckily, we all live in a day and age now where nobody needs to use a fax machine, although some still use one.

"Gonna be a penthouse pauper/Gonna be a millionare/I'm gonna be a real fast talker/And have me a love affair"
What is a penthouse pauper? Is that like a trading places situation, like the classic story "The Prince an the Pauper"? That's the only question I have about this otherwise straightforward and perfect verse.

"Gotta get my timin' right/It's a test that I gotta pass/Ill chase you all the way to stairway, honey/Kiss your sassafras"
This verse, the final verse, shows that Tyler must be coming out of his fantasy or dream, because this is all over the place. Why would Tyler need to get his timing right? This is his fantasy or dream. Does he mean that he's at his mother's house masturbating in the basement and has to make sure that she's busy cooking Hamburger Helper as not to disrupt him? Perhaps he's using the rhythm method and he has to pull out at the right time. Going to the stairway would leave this song open to a sequel, which we can only hope comes on their next album. "Love in a Stairwell" has a nice ring to it. Actually, it's a bit shit. (If you're reading this article Steven, just ignore that bit). Now we will answer the question that has been confusing scientists and those in the medical profession since this songs conception: What is a sassafras? Wikipedia tells me that sassafras is a type of tree found in the Northern Hemisphere. It also says that it could be marijuana. Maybe "kiss your sassafras" means toke on your marijuana cigarette. I think that it might mean bottom.

I will leave you with the classic music video: