Hi Katy [1-26-09]

By Katy

Good morrow OYIT readers. From this day forward, and likely ‘til the end of time, I hope to post my very own advice column. Since I'm the most objective of the lot it only seemed apt that I was gently coerced into this new weekly segment. Bear in mind that I’m just a simple, humble, American girl possessed with the deep-rooted need to solve all your problems. Welcome to “Hi Katy.” Issue 1.

Hi Katy,

I’m from Nevada and I lost a lot of money to the slots. Those coin sucking monsters gobbled up every last silver coin I had. My husband is very mad at me. I think he’s going to leave me. What should I do?

-Lost Lots On Slots

Hi Lost,

Anagrams aside, slots are dangerous, little bastards. Conceptually you feel you’re losing less money because you’re spending it in smaller increments. My suggestion to you then would be to switch to craps or poker. Both games statically prove a greater likelihood in larger winnings, plus you can forsake the solitary environment of the slots for the camaraderie of your fellow gamblers. Lie to your husband and tell him you’re going to a gambling addiction specialist and by the time he’s onto your deceitful ways, you’ll have won all your money back!

Hi Katy,

I have tried everything to get this wine stain out of my carpet. I was so drunk last night. I spilled so much wine on my pristine carpet. This is a huge problem.

-Whining About Carpet

Hi Whining,

This is easily rectified by switching to straight vodka, gin, rum, or any other kind of clear liquor. This is the obvious answer both because a.) it will not leave a carpet stain when spilled and b.) you’re likely to have a less severe hangover than when consuming red wine (it’s true!). If you insist on sticking with red wine, your other option is to strip the carpet and go down to some very pleasant (but finished) hardwood floors. If you insist on keeping your pristine carpet, then I must remark you’re being awfully difficult for an alchie. I can however offer this: pour a light layer of baking soda over the stain, then blot it out with a damp cloth or rag. If all else fails, invest in a sippy cup, you lush.

Hi Katy,

My teenage boyfriend is asking me to have a sweet sixteen party, but I’m not sure I want to celebrate it because I don’t think I’ll get a car from my parents for my birthday. My boyfriend is also pressuring me to have sex for the first time, but I’d prefer to deal with the birthday problem first. What should I do?

-15 Going on 16

Hi 15,

Ahhh, to be young again. The days when your only worries in life were birthday parties and who to give it up to.

Okay, birthday problem first. I would go for the sweet sixteen if there’s even a slight chance of a car, a wildly expensive party, or an Exiled trip to Sudan. You’re too young to understand now, but some day you’ll wake up in a dank and lonely apartment, try to smoke the resin out of your pipe, and wait thirty minutes for the water in your shower to be lukewarm before catching the overpriced city bus to your 12 hour minimum wage job at Food Mart you can’t stand but fuck the stock boy anyway ‘cause you know all you have to go home to is your cat and some DVR-ed episodes of Chelsea Lately. Ha. J/K. Basically, have the damn party and take a lot of pictures.

Which brings us to screwing your boyfriend. Between us girls, I know the very first thing you need to do when deciding whether or not to have sex with someone is to engage in some quick conversation. It’s extremely important that you recognize the fact that you very well could become pregnant. You should both decide what to do in the event his sperm weasels its way in to your ovum and starts the long-winded process of zygote formation, (ie. ask him how he feels about abortions? Would he cover half? Would he even like to know if you had one? Will he be suspicious if your alcohol consumption or stairway falls suddenly increase?) Once you both come to a mature, well-informed decision you’re now ready to bump uglies! Just, use a condom. And birth control. He should probably pull out, too. Most importantly, do have a good time.

Hi Katy,

I never tried sex “in the butt,” as the kids say. I was wondering what the proper lubrication would be and how would one go about loosening up their anus to house some man-meat?

-Annie Anal

Hi Annie,

While I know sodomy to be immoral, degrading, unpleasant, repulsive, unnatural, repugnant, Biblically wrong, and illegal in ten states, who am I to judge the nauseating, sick-minded, perverted lifestyle choices of others? If you choose to partake in this barbaric, foul ritual, there are many sex toy companies that make a 24-hour lube that temporarily increases the size of the anal opening. Of course, there’s always the option to bring this before God, who will likely send you to the sex toy shop in Hell where you can be sodomized rectally and socially for all eternity. Good luck.

Hi Katy,

I am considering switching religions. I’ve been a Mormon since birth, but I was sickened over their recent support of Prop 8 banning same-sex marriage in California. I think all people are God’s children, even homosexuals, and I don’t want to be part of a church that would do such things. Is it legal for me to ask for all my offering donations back, plus interest, for the 56 years I’ve been a member of the church?

-56 Against 8

Hi 56,

I should preface my response by saying I have not done a single iota of research on this. However, since I’ve been keeping up with this season’s Real World I’ve gained great insight into the world of Mormons. Following the profile of Chet, a metro-sexual Mormon frat boy from SLC, I’ve learned a great deal about the true nature of the Mormon Church.

It seems you’ve already made the decision to leave the church, so what you’re really asking is the legalities of “Indian-giving.” As an advice columnist I have little care for the law of man, just like the Mormon Church. Since everything Mormon’s do is backwards from the rest of the free world, just give it a shot. The worst that can happen is they’ll say no, ban you from the church, sully your good name, and lobby propositions against YOU. On second thought, perhaps you should threaten to expose a number of abusive/unhealthy polygamous relationships and blackmail the church for your like amount of offerings returned. Welcome to level-headed society.

Hi Katy,

I recently ended a five year relationship with a man who is also the father to two of my four children. Now he’s asking for joint-custody of not only the two he sired, but the other two as well. His logic is that the other two consider him a father as well, since their birth father has been MIA for years. He is a professor of logic at the university. Should I take him to court?

-Litigious Leslie

Hi Litigious,

First, let me say, IS YOU CRAZY, BITCH!? To speak for women everywhere searching for true love, it’s not as though the rest of us can just sign up for our free eharmony profile one day and catch a university professor yearning to care for our four ankle-bitters the next! Guess what? Fabio’s not going to gallop in on that mystic, white unicorn and steal your heart away along with the four bastard children you’re lugging around. You have some fucking nerve, lady. I can only assume (because details were not offered up), that said professor is perfect AND gorgeous AND rich and the only reason you two should be gracing a courtroom is to sign your marriage certificate. Send me another letter on your honeymoon lamenting the horrendous heat of the tropic sun and the feelings of uselessness you’ve gained from a week off work! Congratulations, you ungrateful harlot.

Hi Katy,

My comic book collection recently went up in price significantly. Should I sell, or should I wait to see if they go up even more in value?

-Comics to Cents

Hi Comics,

Hmmm. This is tough. There are several things to consider in such a large decision:

1.The economy is failing and I bet you could use the money. (Hell, who couldn’t?)
2.On the other hand, those comics could go up in value in the future, producing a greater profit.
3.On the other hand, comics are a dying medium.
4.On the other hand, why place a monetary value on The Avengers and G.I. Joes?
5.On the last hand, how long do you think people are going to continue caring about comic books with Youtube fluttering about the web?

Let’s simplify this. Assuming now or some time in the near future you’re going to be strapped for cash, sell enough comics to pay the bills, purchase a new Hummer, and cover a few hookers, but keep Fantastic Four #1. Someday you’ll thank me.

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If you are a woman (or even a man), and would like to ask a question, please email me at Katy@OneYearinTexas.com.