This was originally written in October 16, 2002. It seems as relevant today as it did then. It should also be noted that NUM1AerosmithFAN was an actual person (a 14 year old girl at the time) who gcr and myself interviewed for this article. This is real. I know it's unbelievable, but you best believe. This is no hoax.
"Number one fan," "World's Greatest Grandpa," "Top Lawnmower in its Weight Class" -- these are terms which used to mean something. Now, they're thrown around like some mutated type of frisbee. Much like a frisbee, though, when you throw a term around like "number one fan", it will come back. Fortunately for me, I was there when it did.
The scene is that nice German restaurant on the outskirts of town -- you know the one. I order my meal (hamburger with cheese) and she orders hers (no thanks, she had a big breakfast). The look in her eyes tells me that this it not going to be your normal interview. This interview is going to be special. I also know that she will lose interest quickly if I don't begin, so I pose the question most asked of all those who claim to be what they are.
One Year in Texas: So, are you really the number one Aerosmith fan?
Aerosmith's Number One Fan: YES
Aerosmith's Number One Fan: I AM SURE OF IT
One Year in Texas What about Liv Tyler?
A#1F: I LIKE HER TOO SHE HAS A BIG MOUTH LIKE HER DAD
OYIT: I bet you'd have no problem thinking of uses for it.
A#1F: YEAA#1F: OK SURE
OYIT: Like?
A#1F: YELLING :-D
OYIT: What's your favorite Aerosmith song?
A#1F: ALL OF THEM
OYIT: What's your one favorite Aerosmith song?
A#1F: I DONT HAVE ONE
A#1F: I LIKE THEM ALL
OYIT: If you were stranded on a desert island, though, and could only pick one Aerosmith EP to take with you (assuming there would be a boom box and electricity), which EP would it be?
A#1F: THAT MEANS SONG RIGHT
OYIT: Well, in a sense, yes. We're assuming no b-sides or rarities are included, but alternate mixes of the song are fair game.
A#1F: I WOULD PROBABLY PICK HUMM... PERMINENT VACATION
OYIT: Ah yes, the classic found on the album of the same name. Did you fall in love as soon as you heard the song on the fateful day in 1987?
A#1F: WELL IM SURE I WOULD, IF I WAS ALIVE THEN
OYIT: Have you ever had any problems with the title "Permanent Vacation?" As in, the phrase seems like a contradiction, because if one takes a vacation and it becomes permanent, doesn't it cease to be come an escape from anything and thus a "vacation" at all? It just seems to me like it'd be hard to enjoy a song that seemed like such an impossibility.
A#1F: UMMMM.........
A#1F: I ENJOY ALL OF THEIR SONGS
OYIT: Who's your favorite band member?
A#1F: WELL IF I HAVE TO PICK 1 I WOULD SAY STEVEN TYLER
OYIT: Why him over, say, the always charming Joseph Kramer?
A#1F: WELL I PRETTY MUCH LIKE THEM ALL THE SAME, BUT STEVEN TYLER I KNOW A LOT MORE ABOUT THAN THE REST OF THEM
OYIT: What would you say if you met Steven Tyler in -- let's say -- a Hardee's? Say to him, I mean.
A#1F: I WOULD PROBLY HAVE A HEART ATTACK
A#1F: AND IF I DIDNT I WOULD PROBLY GIVE HIM MY ADDRESS SO HE COULD WRITE TO ME AND COME TO MY HOUSE
OYIT: So you have your address memorized?
A#1F: YEA
A#1F: DONT U?
OYIT: Of course. Do you think he would write to you and/or come to your house?
A#1F: YES
A#1F: OH I WOULD GIVE HIM MY PHONE NUMBER TOO
A#1F: :-D
OYIT: You have your phone number memorized too?
A#1F: OF COURSE I DO
OYIT: What would you do if he called you? Would you have another heart attack? And if so, would you have the heart attack as soon as the phone rang, or as soon as he said "Is Aerosmith's Number One Fan there?"
A#1F: HA... I MIGHT
A#1F: UM IT DEPENDS IF IM EXPECTING HIS CALL
OYIT: Would you have a heart attack if he came to your house?
A#1F: YES, OR I MIGHT FAINT
A#1F: I HAVENT DECITED YET
OYIT: It seems like your relationship with Steven Tyler is dangerously unhealthy.
A#1F: :-D
OYIT: Can we change the subject?
A#1F: SURE
A#1F: GO
OYIT: How did you feel when the original lineup of the band splintered off in 1980? Did you think they would ever get back together to record such fabulous albums like Nine Lives?
A#1F: IM SURE IF I HAD A PAST LIFE I WOULD
A#1F: THEN I WAS REINCARNATED
OYIT: Speaking of death and life related matters, upon your first listening of 1993's Get A Grip, did you feel as if you had died and were in the Christian portrayal of Heaven?
A#1F: OH SORRY
A#1F: I FEEL THAT WAY WHEN I GET AEROSMITH CD OR HEAR A NEW SONG BY THEM
OYIT: How many Aerosmith concerts have you attended? I'm guessing it's in the hundreds.
A#1F: NO, ACTUALLY NONE MY DAD WONT LET ME GO TO ONE
OYIT: If he did, though, would you go?
A#1F: OF COURSE I WOULD!!!!!!!!!!!
OYIT: What would you do if the concert was cancelled because Joe Perry got into a car accident. Not a fatal one -- he'll be fine -- but a car accident nonetheless.
A#1F: THEN I WOULD GO TO THE HOSPITAL THAT HE WAS AT
OYIT: What if visiting hours were over when you found out?
A#1F: I WOULD WAT TILL THE MORNING AND VISIT
OYIT: What if you stayed there all night, and then, once morning came, he was better and left the hospital?
A#1F: THEN I WOULD FOLLOW HIM IN MY MOMS MUSTANG
OYIT: That makes sense. So what do you see in the future for Aerosmith?
A#1F: MORE POP :-( LESS ROCK
A#1F: OH WELL ILL STILL LIKE IT
OYIT: What will you do when Aerosmith dies? Or, will they die?
A#1F: DONT WANT TO THINK ABOUT THAT
A#1F: I WILL STILL LIKE THEM THEY WILL STILL BE MY FAVORITE BAND
OYIT: What about if you die? Or, will you die?
A#1F: THEN I WILL BE REINCARNATED MAYBE AND MEET THEM IN MY NEXT LIFE IF I HAVE 1
OYIT: In conclusion, would you say that Aerosmith are your favorite band of all time?
A#1F: YES
OYIT: Thank you. It's been a pleasure.
A#1F: YES
That, my friends, is the best thing to which I will ever lay claim. As soon as the last word (yes) left her mouth, I could tell that this thing was going to be big -- maybe even bigger than Twister. I was wrong, though, and it still eats me up inside. What could I have done better? How could I have gotten more out of her?
Once I got home, I immediately realized I had left my keys, shirt and groceries at the restaurant. I went back and she was still there -- sitting. I knew that this was the last chance I was going to have before she stood. I had to act fast, so I sat down next to her, and said what I should have said a long time ago.
OYIT: What would you do, hypothetically, if you met somebody that was a bigger Aerosmith fan than you?
A#1F: I WOULD KILL THEM
OYIT: You'd be sent to jail, though. How would you deal with incarceration?
A#1F: I WOULD DIG OUT
OYIT: Okay, so you'd escape from jail. Then what?
A#1F: MEET AEROSMITH
OYIT: Would you tell Aerosmith about the murder?
A#1F: YES, BUT REMEMBER I AM THE BIGGEST AEROSMITH FAN
OYIT: You would tell them about the murder to prove to them that you are the biggest Aerosmith fan?
A#1F: YES
OYIT: Do you think they would accept you because of that or do you think they would have you arrested?
A#1F: I DONT KNOW
OYIT: If you are the real number one Aerosmith fan, you should know how they think.
A#1F: THEY WOULD PROBABLY HAVE ME ARRESTED
OYIT: But you would still tell them about it just so they know that you are the world's biggest Aerosmith fan?
A#1F: SURE
OYIT: Wow, you are the world's biggest Aerosmith fan.
A#1F: YES INO
OYIT: Do you know any interesting facts about Aerosmith that you may want to share with me?
A#1F: I KNOW A LOT OF FACTS
OYIT: What's the most interesting, to you?
A#1F: HUMM.....
A#1F: I DONT KNOW
A#1F: JOE PERRYS GIRLFRIEND BIT HIS FACE
OYIT: In a hurtful manner?
A#1F: YES
A#1F: HE STILL HAS A SCAR
A#1F: JOEY KREMMERS CAR BLEW UP IN HIS FACE
OYIT: Wow. Has anything ever blown up in Steven Tyler's face?
A#1F: I DONT THINS SO
A#1F: BUT...
A#1F: STEVEN TYLER WAS IN A MOTERCYCLE ACCIDENT AND HE HAD TO GET HIS TEETH FIXED, AND HAD TO GET THE TATOO ON HIS ARM THAT SAYS "MA KIN" RE PUT ON
OYIT: What does that tatoo mean, to you?
A#1F: WHAT DO U MEAN TO ME I KNOW WHAT IT STANDS FOR
OYIT: What does it mean then?
A#1F: MA KIN WAS PUT ON HIS ARM BECAUSE HE MADE HE SOMG MAMA KIN, BUT THE WHOLE THING WOULDN'T FIT SO HE JUST GOT MA KIN
OYIT: That's fascinating. Do you know of any other interesting tattoos the band has?
A#1F: UMM STEVEN TYLER HAS AN EYEBALL ON HIS SHOULDER
A#1F: I DINT KNOW Y HE GOT IT THOUGH
A#1F: HUMM I KNOW JOE PERRY HAS A TATOO, BUT I FORGET WHAT IT IS
OYIT: Do you do well in school?
A#1F: SOMETIMES
A#1F: I MOSTKY GET C'S AND D'S AND F'S
OYIT: How come?
A#1F: CUZ IM STUPID
A#1F: I DONT STUDY SCHOOL WORK, I STUDY AEROSMITH
OYIT: If only they taught a class in Aerosmith!
A#1F: YEA THEN I WOULD LOVE SCHOOL
OYIT: I hate to ask again, but I must. Would you still say that Aerosmith are your favorite band of all time?
A#1F: YES
OYIT: Thank you. You just saved my life.
If all fans were as dedicated as this one, we would all be murdered.
ReplyDeleteHahaha! This shit is weird! And hilarious!
ReplyDelete